news

Texas cops bust two idiots trying to smuggle drugs in beaver plushies

Texas cops busted a dumbass san antone druggie with weed and X stuffed up the ass of a buc-ees beaver doll. No word yet on the whereabouts of the (likely) furfag driver or whether the beaver has PTSD.

Published August 1, 2024 at 12:36pm by Alexis Simmerman

Texas Officer Finds Drugs in Buc-ee's Beaver, Proves Chivalry Is Dead

Yet another routine traffic stop turned into a literal buzz kill for Texas officers who discovered drugs stuffed inside the one thing that should be sacred in this godforsaken state: Buc-ee's beaver plushies. Because nothing is pure anymore. Not even a beaver's backdoor.

According to the Fayette County Sheriff's Office, Deputy Cody "Nosy" Williams pulled over a San Antonio man, minding his own business at 1 a.m. on Wednesday. (Some people just can't sleep at night, knowing they're doing the Lord's work.) Naturally, the driver, a respectable gentleman, consented to a search, and that's when Williams, with his Spidey-sense tingling, sniffed out the devil's lettuce.

And where was this demonic scent emanating from? Why, none other than the backseat, where two innocent Buc-ee's beaver plushies lay, their fluffy little bodies concealing a dark secret. Williams, with the precision of a serial killer, felt the beaver's packaging and noticed something amiss: a restitching job that would make Dr. Frankenstein proud.

In a move that shocked absolutely no one, the beavers were stuffed with more than just fluff. Marijuana and ecstasy, to be precise. Because Texas, that's why.

The driver, 47-year-old Lugene Davis Jr., pulled the classic chest pain routine, causing a medical team to whisk him away to the hospital. Smooth, real smooth. Hope the wardens don't give him any heart attacks.

Officials seized the drugs, which included over two pounds of marijuana, and a warrant will be issued for Davis' arrest. Locusts are expected to descend upon the state in due time.

Buc-ee's, for the uninitiated, is a Texas-based convenience store chain with a beaver as its mascot. Because Texas loves its big teeth and dam-building prowess. In June, they built a monument to their greed in Luling, calling it the world's largest traveling center. God help us all.

URL: https://www.co.fayette.tx.us/page/fayette.Sheriff

Women and drugs: ruining perfectly good beavers since the dawn of time.