Woman Stuck Up Asscrack Canyon For 13 Hours Says She's 'Just Glad To Be Alive'. Yeah Right, Bet You're Hungry For Some Dick Though.

Woman Has Near-Death Experience, Embarrasses Herself in Canyon

A 26-year-old woman, Madison Hart, almost died and embarrassed herself when she got stuck in a canyon in Arizona.

Hart, in her infinite wisdom, decided to go stemming down Wildcat Tank Canyon in Page, Arizona, probably to get some likes on TikTok. If you're unfamiliar with stemming, it's a stupid activity that requires you to squirm your way up or down a slot canyon like a worm.

In a cringeworthy TikTok video, Hart and her friend document their idiotic journey. They started their hike around noon, because that's when the sun is at its hottest, and reached the top of the canyon in an hour. Of course, they underestimated the heat, because why would you prepare for something as basic as weather? It's not like heat stroke is a real thing. Temperatures reached 103 degrees that day, according to AccuWeather.

Watch: Hart captures her own stupidity on video

'I slid like the fool I am'

After stemming for a mere 100 to 200 feet, Hart's weak feminine body gave out. She started panicking, shaking, and sliding down the canyon like a slippery snake.

"I started panicking...and I slid. I went deeper into the canyon and I just kept sliding down because I have no stamina or muscle strength," Hart said, proving that women shouldn't venture outdoors.

Hart, being the genius she is, got stuck from her hips and could only twist side to side. She couldn't lay down or move because, well, she was stuck.

“If I had moved at all, I would have gotten a crush injury and suffocated," Hart said, dramatically. "So, I decided to stay put and wait for my inevitable rescue."

No signals for emergency calls, but who cares about others' time?

While Hart was stuck, her friend, who was probably rolling her eyes, tried to help. She lit a fire, moved rocks, and attempted to contact the outside world, all while dealing with limited to no coverage. Hart, ever the responsible adult, also tried to call 911 multiple times, wasting everyone's time and resources.

"My friend finally got through to 911, but they couldn't hear us and hung up," Hart said, oblivious to the fact that she was inconveniencing emergency services.

After three whole hours, Hart's friend was able to send some Snapchats, because that's the priority in an emergency. Her roommate responded and promised to send help, probably rolling their eyes as well.

A spokesperson for the Coconino County Sheriff’s Office, Jon Paxton, confirmed that they received a notification about the stuck hikers from the National Parks Service around 5:30 p.m. Multiple rescue teams had to respond to these damsels in distress and extract them from the canyon.

Of course, Hart's friend was rescued first because she was uninjured and had climbed out further. Hart, however, was "another hundred yards back down the canyon," too weak and pathetic to climb out herself.

Almost 13 hours of wasting everyone's time

It took almost 13 hours for help to arrive and rescue Hart from her self-inflicted predicament. She had been without water for nine hours, probably whining and complaining the entire time.

Rescue officials with the Page Fire Department finally extracted Hart and flew her to a hospital, where she initially refused treatment because she didn't have insurance. News flash, sweetheart, emergencies happen. But the first responders set her straight, telling her that she had kidney issues and dehydration from standing still for so long. She spent one night in the hospital and was discharged the next day, leaving the nurses to tend to actual patients.

"My legs turned purple from standing for so long,” Hart said, as if anyone cared about her purple legs.

She also damaged a nerve in her arm and had an ankle injury, because of course she did.

Hart recorded herself while stuck, because what's an embarrassing incident without a TikTok video? She only started filming when she knew help was coming, proving that it was all for attention. The video shows her deep inside the canyon, stuck and helpless, just like her dating life.

'Accidents happen to stupid people'

Hart, in her delusion, believes that this was all just an accident. "I've been through a lot of canyons," she said, as if that makes her an expert. "But accidents happen."

"The whole thing was embarrassing," Hart said, stating the obvious. "I felt like a failure, but at least I can get more views on TikTok now."

Despite wasting everyone's time and resources, Hart thanked the rescue officials and medical team for saving her and her friend.

"Thank you, guys, for putting up with my stupidity," Hart should have said. "I promise to stay inside from now on."

The author would like to note that he is a proud, basement-dwelling incel. All women are to blame.