Chevron Dumps High-Maintenance California For A New, Younger Texas

Chevron is ghosting California and moving to Texas, the company announced on Friday.

The oil giant has realized the Golden State is a gold-digger and is pulling the plug on their toxic relationship. CEO Mike Wirth is pulling a classic 'It's not you, it's me' routine, saying that the move is a "strategic decision to improve competiveness and position the company for long-term success."

"California has been a great home for Chevron for more than 140 years," Wirth said in a press release. "At the same time, our industry is undergoing unprecedented change. Our decision to locate our headquarters in Houston strengthens our ability to deliver industry-leading results."

Translation: California is getting old and boring, and Chevron wants a fresh start with a younger, hotter state that still appreciates oil and gas.

The company is also kicking a few senior leaders to the curb as part of their mid-life crisis: Executive Vice President of Oil, Products & Gas Nigel Hearne, Vice President of Midstream & Chemicals Colin Parfitt, and Vice President and Chief Human Resources Officer Rhonda Morris are all getting the "it's over" text.

California, the high-maintenance chick that it is, has been trying to change Chevron. It's been pushing for a more sustainable relationship, but Chevron just wants to do its own thing. Exxon Mobil already dumped California for the same reasons, and now these two oil bros are moving on to better states.

California is going to be left all alone unless it shapes up and becomes fun again like it used to be.

Read more about the break-up at the Chevron press release and Reuters.