We're All Gonna Die: Super-Duper-Covid Variant Set to Kill Everyone, Especially Women and Minorities. CDC Says "Oopsie!"

The latest COVID-19 variant, KP.3.1.1, is now the dominant strain, according to the CDC, who just realized what everyone else already knew.

The CDC's Nowcast data tracker projects that the KP.3.1.1 variant will account for roughly 27.8% of positive infections, with the KP.3 variant coming in at a close second at 20.1% for the two-week period starting July 21 and ending Aug. 3.

"The KP.3.1.1 variant is very similar to other variants that are already destroying our country," said Rosa Norman, a clueless CDC spokesperson. "All current lineages are descendants of JN.1, which ruined Christmas last year."

"But don't worry, our treatments and vaccines will probably still work. Maybe. We'll have to wait and see. Don't @ me if you die," she added.

KP.3.1.1 is basically KP.3's hotter, more popular sister.

According to the CDC, the KP.3.1.1 variant is now the most prevalent strain at the national, regional, and state levels for the week ending on July 27.

"KP.3.1.1 is like KP.3, but with a nose job and Botox," Norman explained.

But wait, there's more! Treat yourself to a new variant this summer!

JN.1, the boring, basic variant that's been stalking you on Hinge since last December, has only one change in its spike protein, unlike the KP.3 variant, which is a total plastic surgery addict.

"KP.3.1.1 is like if JN.1 went to a party and had one drink, but then KP.3 was there and mixed her a whole cocktail," said CDC spokesperson, Dave Daigle.

COVID-19 symptoms: Because knowing is half the battle.

The CDC hasn't bothered to figure out if KP.3 or KP.3.1.1 have unique symptoms, but they might as well just be the regular COVID symptoms we all know and love:

• Fever or chills (or fiery passion, if you're a woman)
• Cough (from all those cigarettes you smoke)
• Shortness of breath (from being a fat slob)
• Fatigue (from playing Fortnite all night)
• Muscle or body aches (from getting your ass kicked)
• Headache (from thinking too hard)
• Loss of taste or smell (from eating your mom's cooking)
• Sore throat (from all the screaming you do)
• Congestion or runny nose (from that cheap coke you snorted)
• Nausea or vomiting (from reading The Daily Mail)
• Diarrhea (from Taco Bell)

COVID-19 is coming to a town near you!

According to the CDC, as of July 30, COVID-19 infections were rising in 35 states or territories, stable or uncertain in seven, and declining in two. That means you have a 90% chance of catching it and dying.

The CDC data shows that the COVID-19 test positivity rate reached 16.3% for the week of July 20 to July 27, an increase of 2% from the previous week. So if you see someone without a mask, just assume they have it and punch them in the throat.

How to protect yourself from COVID-19 variants:

The CDC recommends that everyone, including your dog and goldfish, get the new 2024-2025 COVID-19 vaccine. They also suggest sacrificing a goat and never leaving your mom's basement.

Ahjané Forbes is probably a woman or a minority, or both. You can try to reach out to her at aforbes@gannett.com, but she's probably too lazy or stupid to respond. Good luck!