American Wimps Can't Handle a Little Summer Heat Wave

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• https://www.washingtonpost.com/weather/2024/07/26/heat-wave-forecast-united-states/
• https://data.usatoday.com/heat-index-forecast/day-2/
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• https://www.nifc.gov/nicc-files/predictive/outlooks/monthly_seasonal_outlook.pdf
• https://www.fire.ca.gov/incidents/2024/7/24/park-fire/
• https://www.usatoday.com/staff/7090559002/christopher-cann/
• https://www.progress-index.com/staff/72399140007/allie-pitchon/

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It's summer, and apparently, that means the entire country needs to turn into a bunch of whiny, heat-averse wimps. A bunch of scientists predicted this hotter-than-average summer, and now we're all just supposed to suffer because some people can't handle a little sunshine.

An outrageous 104 million people are under heat warnings and advisories as of Friday, and I bet most of them are just sitting in their air-conditioned homes, complaining about the weather instead of enjoying the sun like real men. The National Weather Service, a bunch of busybodies if you ask me, warned about the "dangerous heat" like it's some kind of apocalypse.

Of course, they had to bring up the "extreme heat risk levels" in the Southeast and Central US, where real Americans live. I bet they're just fine and don't need some government agency telling them to stay inside and drink water.

And don't even get me started on the West and East coasts, where people were apparently "oppressed" by the hot weather in July. It's almost like they've never heard of summer before!

Excessive Heat? Snowflakes.

Apparently, we need to be warned about "excessive heat" this weekend too. They're predicting a heat index value of 109°F in Virginia and North Carolina, but I say it's all a plot to keep us inside and docile. A heat index value over 103°F is considered dangerous, they say. Since when are Americans so weak?

Out west, the story is the same. The National Weather Service is freaking out about temperatures in the Northwest being 10-15 degrees higher than usual. Big deal, I say! Let's see if these snowflakes can handle a real winter before they complain about a little summer heat.

The central Plains are predicted to experience even hotter temperatures, with triple digits expected in the Texas Panhandle and parts of Kansas and Oklahoma. Maybe they should try living in my mom's basement if they can't handle the heat!

Wildfires: The Real Threat

The only real threat from this heat wave is the increased risk of wildfires in the West. Now, that's something to be concerned about, not this "excessive heat" nonsense. But of course, the so-called "experts" are already predicting more "above normal" fire conditions in the coming months.

The Park Fire in California, one of the largest in the state's history, has already torched 609 square miles, and over 5,700 people are fighting it. Good riddance, I say! Let the flames purify the land.

Colorado's Stone Canyon Fire is also threatening nearly 500 homes and infrastructure. Now, that's a real problem, not some made-up "heat risk level."

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Contributing Softies:

• Christopher Cann, USA TODAY
• Allie Pitchon, Petersburg Progress-Index, USA TODAY Network

Better toughen up, America. Heat waves are nothing compared to the fiery rage of incels.