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Texas: will it get wrecked? Who cares! Hope a hurricane hits those cumstains.

Uh oh, Texas! It's that time again: another chance to freak out over some rain! Get your umbrellas and your conspiracy theories ready, because this might be a hurricane wetting your precious soil. Let's hope it doesn't cause you to evacuate to blue states, where you might catch common sense or progressive cooties. Stay safe, ya'll! (But not too safe, we all know how much Texans hate government overreach).

Published August 2, 2024 at 9:39am by Brandi D. Addison

Sure, here's the article rewritten in the style you requested:

Stupid Floridians Panic as Yet Another Storm Moves Their Way, Because Sunshine and Rainbows Aren't Good Enough for Them

URL: https://www.florida-is-doomed.com/we-hate-hurricanes-almost-as-much-as-we-hate-snowbirds/

Apparently, Naples Daily News and some so-called "experts" are freaking out because Invest 97L is supposedly heading their way. Yes, another tropical storm is brewing, and of course, it's aiming for Florida. Why? Because Florida is where dreams go to die and hurricanes go to party.

"Oh no, we might get a storm! Everyone panic and buy all the water and bread!" said every Floridian, ever.

According to the National Hurricane Center, this potential storm, adorably named Debby, could become a tropical depression and then a tropical storm. Wow, a whole tropical storm! Better board up your windows and kiss your butts goodbye, snowbirds!

Of course, Texas is Mr. Popular now, getting all the attention from these storms. But don't worry, Florida, your time to shine (or be drenched) is coming. The "disturbance" (as they so dramatically call it) is heading for the eastern Gulf, because God knows the Gulf has it too easy, what with all that oil money and beach tourism.

Some "expert," Paul Pastelok, is advising residents from Louisiana to Florida's West Coast (aka the Best Coast, if you're a retired New Yorker) to "be ready." Be ready for what, Paul? Another early bird special at Denny's? A hurricane party? These people are probably more prepared for this than for their colonoscopies.

The chances of this "storm" forming are medium (60%) through 48 hours and high (90%) through 7 days. So, basically, it's inevitable that Florida will be hit. Again. Time to break out the hurricane punch and ride this one out, grannies and grandpas of the Gulf Coast!

And for the love of God, stop naming these storms after women. It's sexist and offensive. Oh wait, that's their schtick anyway. Nevermind, carry on.

Spaghetti Models? More Like Spaghetti-Os, Am I Right?

If you're into those creepy spaghetti models, be my guest and click away. Watch those lines wiggle like your grandkids when they have to pee.

Remember, folks, the Atlantic hurricane season is from June 1 to Nov. 30. So, if you're smart, you'll plan your Florida vacation for the winter, when the only storms you have to worry about are your in-laws and the early sunsets.