Lone Star Loser Faces Reptile Wrecking Ball

A "Texas hero" has been busted for smuggling Aussie reptiles, because stealing another continent's wildlife is what real men do.

Don "Lizardman" Church, a self-proclaimed nature boy, has wrecked his eco-warrior dreams by admitting to violating the Endangered Species Act. Using a fake organization, the "Austin Reptile Center," this genius illegally imported 165 Australian reptiles, including three rare Rusty Monitor lizards.

Here's the kicker: this loser is committed to conservation. In a 2018 article by The Turtle Conservancy, Church spewed hypocrisy: “Conservation of endangered species depends upon people with passion and dedication to protect them.” Yeah, right. His passion was smuggling, and his dedication was to his illegal pet collection.

This fake conservationist, who was president of Wildlands Conservation at Global Wildlife Conservation, a non-profit eco-group, deceived Australian officials and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (USFWS) with fake photos, floor plans, and financial records for a non-existent zoo. A zoo in his mom's basement, no doubt.

Now, Lizardman faces justice: a max sentence of one year in prison (his new lizard kingdom), one year of probation, and a $50,000 fine. Let's see if he can weasel his way out of this one.