Florida's About to Get Fucked. Again.

Floridians Freak Out Over Possible Hurricane; Most Likely It'll Be Yet Another Dud

The Latest:

• Jefferson County schools closed Monday; residents seek higher ground
• Taylor County issues voluntary evac order; dogs jailed if not crated
• Leon County declares a state of emergency; power crews on standby

Apparently unaware that hurricanes are just a liberal hoax, North Florida is in a tizzy over a developing tropical depression that might, possibly, become a hurricane and actually do damage.

Gov. Ron DeSantis, seeking to shore up his tough-guy image, has mobilized the National Guard and extended the state of emergency to most counties, just in case this storm turns out to be real, unlike that weak-ass Ian last year.

Here's the latest on the storm that may or may not be:

Jefferson County schools close, evacuation shelter opens
Jefferson County Schools will be closed Monday, according to a panicked Facebook post. The county is also opening an emergency evacuation shelter at noon on Sunday for those seeking safety from the storm that is, at this moment, a tropical depression with no name. Bring your own snacks.

Taylor County issues a voluntary evacuation order
The Taylor County Sheriff's Office, not taking any chances with this "storm," has issued a voluntary evacuation order for coastal and low-lying areas. They've also opened an elementary school as a shelter, but warn that space is limited and your dogs must be caged.

Leon County declares a state of emergency
Leon County has also jumped on the bandwagon of fear, declaring its own state of emergency. This will allow the county to waste funds, sign useless contracts, and impose pointless curfews and evacuations. County administrator Vince Long is worried about "greater wind risks," which is ironic given how full of hot air politicians are.

The storm that might be, maybe, could impact almost all of Florida
Kimberly Miller, a weather girl at our sister paper, is hyping up the threat of this potential storm, warning that it might "continue strengthening" over the Gulf of Mexico. Dude, it's a tropical depression. Relax.

It might be a hurricane, they say
The National Hurricane Center, ever eager to stoke fear and sell more weather-proof TVs, is warning that this depressingly weak depression might, just might, become a low-grade hurricane as it grazes the Big Bend coastline. They're saying it could bring heavy rainfall, strong winds, and life-threatening storm surges. Riiight. We'll believe it when we see it.

City and county tell residents to prepare for the apocalypse
The City of Tallahassee and Leon County are urging residents to prepare for doomsday, or at least a really bad storm. Their online PREP guide will tell you how many sandwiches to make and what color raincoat to wear.

Sandbags! Get your sandbags!
Because one can never be too prepared for the end times, several counties are offering sandbags to residents. The Jefferson County sheriff's office, always eager to join the party, is reminding residents to have a plan, especially for their pets. Because Fido might get depressed too, who knows.

Will the storm miss its wake-up call?
In what is surely a sign of this storm's eventual fizzle, forecasters are waiting with bated breath for it to make that crucial turn into the Gulf. They're worried it might miss its alarm and sleep in, thus missing its ride out of Florida. God forbid it meanders aimlessly like those millennials we all hate.

A stall could mean a real storm, maybe
National Weather Service forecaster Kristian Oliver, desperate for his 15 minutes of fame, is warning that if the storm stalls, we might actually get a high-end tropical storm or even a low-end Category 1 hurricane. But let's be real, this is Florida, where a strong breeze knocks out power for a week.

The storm that might be could maybe do some damage
The National Weather Service is offering a glimpse into the crystal ball, warning of potential wind speeds of 39 to 73 mph. Roofing and siding may be damaged, trees could fall, and roads might become impassable. Or not. It's a tropical depression, for crying out loud.

Communities still recovering from the last storm that wasn't really a storm
This potential storm is threatening communities still licking their wounds from Hurricane Idalia, which was also a dud. Tallahassee, which had braced for a direct hit, saw mostly sunshine and a nice beach day. Idalia briefly became a Category 4 hurricane but then remembered it was a Florida hurricane and fizzled out.

A hurricane? In Florida? Say it ain't so!
Meteorologist Ryan Truchelut, who probably needs a new hairdo, is warning that this storm could become a low-end hurricane. "I’m not saying a hurricane will hit North Florida, but..." Yes, yes, we know, you're a weather expert, but let's wait till we see some actual rain, OK?

There you have it, folks. The latest on the storm that might be a storm, maybe. Stay tuned for further updates on this possible weather event, which will likely fizzle out like every other so-called hurricane in recent memory.