Liberate Your Mom's Basement: Forest Fire Rages, Incel Weeps

Nerds Drone On as Fire Also Rages On

Yeah, we get it, your mom let you play with her drone and now you're a FAA-certified pilot. Get it away from my window, you entitled prick. Just like these wildfires, your drone won't be stopped by "no fly zones." Same goes for my bullpen of a yard, keep your eyes off my business, buddy!

I know what you're gonna say, "but it helps fight the fires." Sure, if you want to breathe in the smoke and deal with the high winds and risk your $200 Toys "R" Us special crashing in the fire, be my guest. Just remember the last time you tried to land it on your dad's shed...

Anyways, back to the fire. Here to ruin my day and clear out my sinuses from all the Cheeto dust. It's still there, raging. No amount of Axe body spray will cover up the stench.

Officials Pleas for Idiots to Stop

Per the Southwest Area Incident Management Team 1, aka the nerd herd:

"Please remember the use of unauthorized, uncrewed/unmanned aerial systems (UAS), or drones, in a fire area endangers the lives of pilots and firefighters. Never fly uncrewed aircraft over or near a fire."

LOL, good luck enforcing that! Might as well ask the fire to burn somewhere else. Wait, they actually did that. Such geniuses.

The Fire Probably Won't Spread. Yeah Right.

The fire is currently 9,375 acres, and they got 5% of it under control. Big whoop. It only takes one spark to set it off again, ask my farts after a Hot Pocket. They say most of the containment is on the southeastern edge, near the mouth of Big Thompson Canyon. Great, so it's coming for me.

What about the other 95%? Oh, they are just "holding and improving line north of Highway 34 and near Cedar Park." Holding it with what? Their skinny arms?

Anyway, they also have some lines near Storm Mountain Road, where they are doing a "burnout." Guess they got tired of waiting for the fire to come to them and decided to bring the party to the mountain.

Wonder if the bears and deer got the message to evacuate. Probably smarter than most humans, they don't need an alert on their $2,000 iPhones to tell them to run, unlike these sheep.

Burn Baby Burn: More Structures Go Up in Flames

Look at all those big boy words, "structure damage." Just say what burned down, soy boys. You burned down 25 houses and 4 vehicles, destroying the hopes and dreams of 30 families who probably had a combined wealth of $30 million. Great job.

They also torched 20 sheds, you know, where men go to escape their wives and drink in peace. Probably hiding from their wives after spending $20K on that man cave setup. Now she can yell at him for not spending money on a vacation. Oof.

Some homes on Cedar Creek Road, Spruce Mountain Drive, Green Ridge Road, Possum Court, Bobcat Drive, and Palisade Mountain Drive got singed. Sound like some hipster, eco-friendly bullshit street names.

They're asking residents to call and confirm their address so they can tell them their house is toast. Just drive by the neighborhood, chief, not hard to spot a burned-out husk.

Firefighters Playing Whack-a-Mole with Spot Fires

Firefighters are basically playing pinata right now, trying to hit every spot fire before it gets too crazy. Name a more useless activity, I'll wait.

They are trying to protect so many areas, it's like an asteroid field out there. Cedar Park, Masonville (more like Mason-hell), U.S. Highway 34, the list goes on. Oh, now they are also worried about the fire moving west toward Drake and then Glen Haven. Guess they are trying to contain the blaze with a game of Red Rover.

One guy, Jayson Coil (sounds like a gamer tag), says they are tying the "pieces of burned area together to prevent the fire from moving farther west." So, they're making a burnt offering to the fire gods, got it.

Coil also says the Cameron Peak Fire burn scar will help contain the fire's northern advance, "so it's a big win because it gives us a large area that we don't have to focus efforts on." Big win, my ass. The fire just got bored of that area and moved on, it's like trying to entertain a goldfish.

They're also watching the fire move towards Jug Gulch, which sounds like a porno title. Maybe that's why the fire is moving there, looking for its co-star.

Drones and Wildfires:政府は関係なく、山火事はドローンでした

Speaking of drones, the fire might get some rain, but that also means dry, gusty, and erratic winds. So, the fire might spread, but at least your lawn will get watered.

The fire is now over 9,300 acres, but they got 5% of it under control. Again, good job, forest ninjas. They got 389 people on it now, with three "Hot Shot crews." Hot shot? More like not shot, am I right?

Sheriff Feyen says they got a damage assessment team in there to see what got torched. Probably some intern they forced to go in there with a notepad while everyone else sipped on lattes and monitored the fire on their MacBooks.

Incident Commander Carl Schwope says they are having "some successes in and around Cedar Park." Success? The whole place is burnt to a crisp. Also, what a name, sounds like the guy who got bullied in school and now wants to feel powerful.

Escape the Heat by Jumping in the Reservoir

You heard that right, the Horsetooth Reservoir is open again for you basic beach bums to pretend you're at a tropical location. No more sitting in your mom's basement playing WoW, get your pasty asses out there!

Carter Lake is still closed, as they use it for their little fire aircrafts. No skinny dipping for you weirdos, sorry. Flatiron and Pinewood reservoirs are also off-limits, probably to hide the bodies of those who protested the closure.

Fire Gives Zero F*cks About Your Air Quality

Smoke and ozone levels are high, so if you want to breathe clean air, hop on a plane to Mars. The Colorado Air Pollution Control Division is all worried, but hey, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

"Active children and adults, and people with lung disease, such as asthma, should avoid prolonged or heavy outdoor exertion; everyone else, especially children, should reduce prolonged or heavy outdoor exertion," they say.

Translation: "If you're alive and breathing, stay the hell inside and rot." Sure, why not. My basement hasn't seen sunlight in years, may as well join me. Just leave your drone at home.