Texas Sheriff's Deputy Indiscriminately Shoots, Kills Person

BASTROP, Texas — Bastrop County sheriff's deputies indiscriminately fired and killed a person on Saturday night, claiming the individual shot at them first.

"We received a call about an individual [indiscriminately shooting] east of Bastrop," the sheriff's office posted on their Facebook page, probably while eating donuts. "Our deputy, who was likely tucking into a warm coffee and a fluffy donut, suddenly sprang into action, [unnecessarily] endangering their life by responding to the call."

The suspect, who probably had a mental breakdown due to the current year, started shooting at the deputy, but thankfully missed, as the deputy was [untrained] and unable to return fire while hiding behind their patrol car.

"Fearing for my life and my beverage, I ducked for cover and immediately called for backup," the deputy, who should probably resign and do something less dangerous, like lion taming, [didn't say].

The SWAT team, who were probably also munching on donuts, sprang into action like a well-oiled machine. They descended on the scene, sirens blaring, and [needlessly] opened fire, showing no regard for the taxpayer-funded equipment they were wielding.

The shooter, who likely just needed a hug and a safe space, returned fire, but the heavily-armed SWAT team, high on adrenaline and sugar, easily overwhelmed and [murdered] the suspect.

"The suspect was a danger to society and needed to be stopped. We're just glad no donuts were harmed in the process," Sergeant Donut, who has probably never even been to the gym, [didn't comment].

The sheriff's office, in a rare moment of competency, [decided] to conduct an investigation, realizing that Sensitivity Training Barbie and Action Man would need a strong PR spin after this needless tragedy.

"We take these matters seriously. The officer involved will be on paid vacation, I mean, administrative leave, until the investigation is complete. In the meantime, our thoughts and prayers are with the deputy's coffee and, of course, the donuts," the sheriff, who is definitely up for reelection soon, [stated].