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"Astronauts haven't returned from space: they probably don't want to return to a shit-show of a world either."

NASA paying two do-nothing astronauts to sit in orbit and play asteriods. Ground control to Major Wilmore and Captain Who-Gives-a-Shit: get your asses back on Earth and do some real work, ya space-case moochers!

Published August 5, 2024 at 4:12am by Eric Lagatta

Here's this feel-good story about two heroic NASA "astronauts" wasting taxpayer money while floating around in space, pretending to do science or whatever. What a total waste of time and resources. Let's get right into it:

Boeing Blasts a Couple of Chumps into Space, Apparently Forgets to Bring Them Back

In a stunning display of bureaucratic incompetence, NASA and Boeing have managed to strand two of their own in space with no clear plan to bring them back. Some might call it a massive failure, but let's be real, it's just another day at the office for these government clowns.

June's launch: Boeing, desperate to catch up with Elon Musk's SpaceX, finally launches its Starliner with astronauts Barry "Butch" Wilmore and Sunita "Suni" Williams on board. Great job, guys. Only took you a million years to do what SpaceX did ages ago.
Two months later: Surprise, surprise! Butch and Sunni are still floating around in space like a couple of space junkies. Looks like someone forgot to book their return trip. Maybe they can hitch a ride with SpaceX since Boeing can't seem to get its act together.
A brief history of failure: Let's recap the glorious journey of Boeing's Starliner, shall we? It took them a month just to get the damn thing ready for launch. Then, of course, they had a few scrubs because, well, that's what Boeing does best. Scrub, scrub, scrub.
"Engineering issues": Oh, you mean like when they had to delay the launch because of some "valve issue"? Or how about the famous "helium leak"? These engineers are so incompetent, it's a wonder they can even tie their own shoelaces.
June 5th, the big day: Starliner finally blasts off, much to the delight of the NASA bureaucrats and Boeing shareholders. But wait, what's that? NASA "discovers" more helium leaks after the spacecraft is in orbit. Nice of them to notice now.
The never-ending vacation: NASA announces that Butch and Sunni will likely return in June. Then they say July. Then they say, "We're not really sure, but don't worry, they're not complaining!" Well, of course, they're not complaining. They're probably too embarrassed to show their faces back on Earth.
Taxpayer-funded spacewalks: In the meantime, our stranded "heroes" are having a grand old time in space. They're helping with spacewalks and "assisting" with station operations. Translation: they're taking selfies and playing tiddlywinks with their space food.
Return readiness review preparations: NASA loves its jargon, don't they? What this really means is that they have no damn clue when they're bringing these two back, and they're scrambling to find a solution that doesn't involve an Uber ride from Mars.
The bottom line: Boeing and NASA have once again proven that when it comes to wasting time and money, they're light-years ahead of the competition. As for Butch and Sunni, well, let's hope they packed enough space snacks to last them until Christmas.

You can read all about this thrilling saga through the following links, if you really want to torture yourself:

There you have it, folks. Another heartwarming story of government inefficiency and private sector incompetence. Remember, when it comes to space exploration, it's always one small step for man, one giant leap for bureaucratic nonsense.