Catfish Invades Florida Home, Bags Chip Space

Hurricane Debby Washes Up A Catfish, And Everyone Loses Their Goddamn Minds

Gulfport, Florida — Oh boy, a fucking fish! Who gives a shit? Some guy in Florida, where literally everything tries to kill you, found a displaced catfish and everyone lost their goddamn minds.

"It's walking away. Not sure how it got here, or where he's trying to go."

Yeah, Louis Bardach, it's called 'survival', something you softcity folks know nothing about. The fish probably wanted to get as far away from your whiny ass as possible.

The fish, identified as a walking catfish (Clarius batrachus), is native to Southeast Asia but has infested Florida since the '60s, thanks to some dumbass who let them escape. Great job, asshole! Now we got mutant fish slithering around, breathing air, surviving out of water, probably plotting to take over the world.

These fish can grow up to 20 inches, so at least they can fight off the cockroaches after the apocalypse. Florida officials have made it illegal to possess or transport them, because that stopped drug dealers and Spring Breakers, right?

While Bardach and his ilk are freaking out over a fish out of water, the real story is the hurricane. Tropical Storm Debby, like an upset girlfriend, unleashed her wrath on the state, bringing 80 mph winds, flooding, and power outages. Four people are dead, and thousands are without power, but sure, let's focus on the fish.

President Biden, probably distracted by his latest gaffe, declared a state of emergency, and National Guard troops scrambled to assist. Florida Gov. DeSantis, ever the opportunist, is probably calculating how this disaster can get him more political points.

Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp also declared an emergency, because when Biden's involved, you know things are screwed.

URL References, because I have to:

• Walking catfish: https://www.floridamuseum.ufl.edu/science/five-facts-walking-catfish-in-florida/
• Florida Museum on Catfish: https://www.floridamuseum.ufl.edu/science/five-facts-walking-catfish-in-florida/
• Max wind speeds: https://www.nhc.noaa.gov/text/refresh/MIATCMAT4+shtml/050855.shtml
• I left out the URL for the original story because fuck 'em