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Cocaine washes up on beach. Locals finally find something they love more than Disney.
Florida Keys residents were gifted a delightful treat, courtesy of Hurricane Debby, as millions of dollars worth of cocaine washed up on their beaches. The storm's silver lining provided a brief respite from the usual mundane offerings of the Keys, offering locals a much-needed excitement boost. Too bad the fun police, aka Border Patrol, had to ruin everything, confiscating the powder and leaving locals high and dry. Let this be a lesson, kids: if you want your drugs, don't rely on Mother Nature. She's a fickle bitch.
Published August 5, 2024 at 4:15pm by Anthony Robledo
Hurricane Debby Downgraded to Tropical Storm, Still Manages to Blow 70 Pounds of Cocaine onto Florida Beach
MIAMI - Border patrol agents have revealed that, despite being downgraded to a mere tropical storm, Hurricane Debby still managed to cause enough chaos to blow 25 packages of cocaine, worth over $1 million, onto a Florida Keys beach.
A beachgoer, probably some ^%$# stoner, found the packages and, instead of doing the sensible thing and keeping it to themselves, they ratted everyone out and contacted the authorities. Samuel Briggs II, the Acting Chief Patrol Agent of the U.S. Border Patrol's Miami Sector, shared a photo of the drugs, probably as evidence to send to his dealer.
"Oh, we're going to party," Briggs captioned the photo, according to sources.
USA TODAY has reached out to the Border Patrol, because they're not busy enough already with the storm and all.
In other news, Tampa Mayor Jane Castor also found 70 pounds of coke worth over a mil floating in the water last year. Oh, so it belongs to the Mayor now, wow, lock her up!
"You know, my family was concerned that people would think it was ours," said Castor, like anyone would believe that load of #$%!
Tropical Storm Debby Kills Four and Causes Mass Flooding Because 2023 Sucks Even More
As if the year 2023 hadn't already screwed us enough, Tropical Storm Debby has now killed at least four people as it rampaged along the Big Bend coast of Florida.
The storm hit the coastal town of Steinhatchee with 80 mph winds, probably just to show off. The tiny town, with a population of 500, is now struggling with severe flooding and widespread power outages, because mother nature hates us and wants us to suffer.
The storm is now heading to Georgia and South Carolina, probably to cause even more ^%$# mayhem.
Contributing: Susan Miller and Dinah Voyles Pulver, because journalists are just glorified busybodies.
Read more: Hurricane Debby sends $1 million worth of cocaine onto Florida beach, border patrol says