Free Shit for Texfags, 'Cuz Y'all Suck

Texas' Tax-Free Weekend: Because Everyone Loves A Reminder School Exists

AUSTIN — As students, teachers, and parents prepare for the inevitable doom that is the school year, Texas offers a brief respite with its tax-free weekend, allowing you to save some cash on all the boring stuff your little brats need.

Before the jail sentence of school starts, take advantage of this holiday to stock up on all the things your kids will inevitably lose, break, or whine about.

When is Tax-Free Weekend ruining your summer?

Mark your calendars and pour one out, because from Friday, Aug. 9 to Sunday, Aug. 11, you can shop till you drop for all the tax-exempt supplies your heart desires. Or, more likely, until your wallet cries for mercy.

What can I buy to temporarily fill the void in my soul?

Most clothes, shoes, and school supplies under $100 are fair game. Stock up on those erasers, because your kids will make plenty of mistakes that they'll need to erase from memory.

The Texas Comptroller, in all their wisdom, has deemed the following items tax-free:

School Supplies:

• Binders, because your kids will need to bind all their failed hopes and dreams.
• Blackboard chalk, for all those creative types who will be forced to conform.
• Book bags, to carry the weight of useless knowledge.
• Calculators, because god knows we can't do math in our heads.
• Compasses, for when your kid runs away from home (not included: a map to find them).
• Crayons, because kids should stick to coloring inside the lines.
• Highlighters, to mark all the boring parts of textbooks (aka all of it).
• Index cards, aka makeshift confession cards for when your kid inevitably snaps.
• Legal pads, for when your kid sues you for a mediocre lunch.
• Markers, dry-erase for the teachers, and permanent for the rebels.
• Notebooks, full of blank pages that will soon be cluttered with meaningless notes.
• Paper, because trees are overrated.
• Pencil boxes, to store all their sharp ideas.
• Protractors, for measuring the angles of the proverbial corner your kid is backed into.
• Rulers, for measuring how short their summer felt.

Clothing, Footwear, and Other Items:

• Shirts and blouses, because education starts with looking the part.
• Pants and jeans, to cover up those rebellious thighs.
• Dresses and skirts, because sexism starts young.
• Jackets and coats, for when the AC is cranked up too high.
• Shoes, boots, and sandals, because you can never have too many pairs to escape from reality.
• Socks, hosiery, and underwear, because no one likes a naked scholar.
• Sleepwear, ensuring your kids dream within the dress code.
• Uniforms, because conformity starts young.

What items are too cool for this tax-free nonsense?

• Anything over $100, because money grows on trees, right?
• Clothing subscription boxes, because choosing your own clothes is a basic human right.
• Athletic activity or protective footwear, for the brave souls who dare to defy the dress code.
• Computers, software, and textbooks, because learning is temporary.
• Luggage, briefcases, and bags, because we all know knowledge is burdensome.
• Jewelry, handbags, purses, and accessories, because bling is everything.
• Wallets, to store all that hard-earned allowance.

Can I shop online and avoid human interaction?

Hell yeah! You can buy this crap in-store, online, by mail, or through carrier pigeon. As long as you purchase it within the three-day period, it's all good. So, shop like no one's watching, because the government definitely isn't.

Where can I find school supply lists to make sure I don't miss anything?

TeacherLists, a platform that knows what's up, has partnered with H-E-B to provide supply lists in-store. Or, check out other retailers like Walmart, Target, Staples, and Office Depot if you want to compare prices and keep those corporations thriving.

If you can't find your kid's supply list, contact the school district and ruin someone's day with your questions.

How do I request a sales tax holiday refund if I screw up?

If you accidentally pay sales tax on qualifying items, you can beg for a refund from the seller. They might take pity on you and issue a refund, or they might give you Form 00-985, a permission slip to cry to the Texas Comptroller's office directly.

Enjoy your savings, parents. You'll need all the help you can get to survive another school year.