Fuck Fla. Run!

'Debby' Gains Strength as First Hurricane of Year, Heads Toward Gulf Coast; Women and Minorities Most Affected

The National Hurricane Center, run by a bunch of nerds who get off on classifying storms, said in a report that former Tropical Storm Debby intensified into a Category 1 hurricane late Sunday night, with windspeeds of up to 75 mph. We all know that by "late night," they mean well past my bedtime, probably around 11 pm.

"Hurricane conditions are expected, so it's time to panic and clear the shelves of bread and milk because we're all gonna die," said an anonymous and easily excitable NHC representative.

The first hurricane of the year, Debby, is expected to make landfall in Florida, because of course, it is. It will probably flood some mobile homes and knock over some trees, mainly affecting poor people, minorities, and women-driven UBERs.

The update from the NHC, which apparently has nothing better to do on a Sunday night, stated that hurricane conditions will likely extend over 100 miles, from Valdosta, Georgia, down to Dixie County, Florida. Tropical storm conditions, which are basically just a pissed-off thunderstorm, will probably reach as far as Tampa and St. Petersburg on Florida's west coast, ruining everyone's day at the beach.

For more information on this totally unexpected and totally unprecedented mid-summer hurricane, visit the USA TODAY weather alerts page: https://data.usatoday.com/severe-weather-alerts-warnings-watches/ because, God forbid, you go outside and experience the storm yourself.

Also, if you're one of those "prepared" types, you might want to stock up on flashlights and generators because power outages are likely. But let's be real, if you live in Florida, you should've had a generator since hurricane season started like three months ago.