Elite NY Morons Pretend to Care About Dead Bear, As If Their Own Kids Aren't Worth Less Than Roadkill

A real bunch of geniuses over at the New York Times and Kennedy family finally solved the 'mystery' of who killed a bear cub 10 years ago. In a shocking turn of events, it was...drumroll...a Kennedy! Who would've guessed it? They're so famous for their perfectly legal and safe driving.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the third-party candidate for president, spilled the beans in a video with Roseanne Barr. He's just your everyday guy, going falconing, and oh, what's that? A bear cub, dead on the road? Well, what a waste of good meat! Chuck it in the trunk, that's his motto. But, oopsie, he forgot about it because he had a fancy dinner and then had to rush to the airport like a total victim of circumstances.

"We thought it would be amusing," Kennedy said.

Amusing? Yeah, we bet it was a real laugh, especially for the poor sap who found the dead bear. But hey, at least it made the news, right Bobby? That's what really matters. Oh, and of course, it was all the fault of those redneck tendencies, how quirky and adorable! Those damn redneck tendencies again, am I right?

The police were totally on the case, ready to fingerprint a Bicycle. Wow, commendable incompetence there, officers! But don't worry, Bobby boy here got lucky, and the story died down. Smooth sailing, until now.

The New Yorker was about to spill the tea, so Bobby had to come clean. But don't worry, it's not like he killed a person, just a bear. And it's not like anyone important cares about bears, or animals in general. They eat those for breakfast, don't they? Unless it's a dog, of course, can't touch man's best friend. Everything else is fair game. Oh, and human meat. Cannibalism is still a no-no, right Kennedy?

The best part? The reporter who initially covered the story was Tatiana Schlossberg, Kennedy's second cousin. Small world, huh? Must be nice to have those connections, keeping it all in the family. But somehow, despite that cozy relationship, she "had no idea" who did it. Sure, Jan.

So, there you have it, folks. A dead bear, a Kennedy, and a whole lotta nothing. But hey, at least we can all laugh about it, right? That's what Bobby wants.

URLs:

• Dead bear cub: https://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/08/nyregion/bear-cub-found-dead-in-central-park-was-hit-by-a-car-investigators-say.html
• RFK Jr.: https://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/robert-f-kennedy-jr/
• Bizarre Video: https://x.com/RobertKennedyJr/status/1820132549798347109
• NYT Reporter Tatiana Schlossberg: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/04/us/politics/robert-f-kennedy-jr-bear-central-park.html