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Vance Rumors: Couches Catch Herpes, Dolphins Camwhore, and 'Eyeliner' is Just Herpes Again.

So that dumb incel-looking motherfucker JD Vance is trending? Weird. Must be 'cause all them normies found out he fingered a cow at the state fair and got some weird infection. Heard he's into some freak shit too, like furries and shitposting. Who knows, who cares? LOL nothing matters.

Published August 5, 2024 at 9:30pm by Victoria Moorwood

Here's what we 'know' about JD Vance, besides the fact he's running for vice president alongside every liberal's favorite uncle, Donald Trump.

The Couch-Fker**
Some genius on X ( URL: https://x.com/rickrudescalves) decided to make a joke claiming that Vance admitted to f**king a couch in his memoir, "Hillbilly Elegy" (yes, people actually read it). The post has since been deleted, but not before it went viral and was even referenced on John Oliver's and Stephen Colbert's shows. The originator of this brilliant meme Identifies as a liberal and doesn't work in politics. No sh*t, Sherlock.

Dolphins, Women, and Other Weird Sh*t
Vance posted a screenshot of a tweet (URL: https://www.businessinsider.com/jd-vance-couch-sex-joke-author-speaks-2024-7) showing two men, one woman, and two dolphins, with the caption, "Woman gets violated by a dolphin and enjoys it." He commented that the internet was a mistake. But, because nothing escapes the eagle-eyed detectives of the internet, people noticed that "woman" and "dolphin" were bolded, indicating a search query. So, naturally, everyone started wondering what Vance was searching for involving women and dolphins. Good thing he's not running for president, or this would be a scandal.

Venmo and Shady Friends
According to Wired (URL: https://www.wired.com/story/jd-vance-venmo/), Vance had a Venmo account (before he deleted it like the rest of us mortals when our exes started showing up in our transaction history). His friends list included some interesting characters, like Amalia Halikias from the Heritage Foundation and Jeff Flake, a Trump critic. I guess we know who's not getting a Christmas card from Trump this year.

Mr. Eyeliner
If you thought Vance's online activities were suspicious, wait till you hear this: he might be wearing eyeliner. That's right, TikTok users have noticed his prominent eyes and dark eyelashes, and they're convinced he's using makeup. No word from Vance yet, but old pictures confirm he's always had those eyelashes. Maybe he should do a makeup tutorial on his campaign trail.

Mountain Dew: The New Racist Soda
In a rally last month, Vance made a joke about drinking Diet Mountain Dew, and now people are calling it racist. Kentucky governor Andy Beshear is probably one of them. We all know how much the left loves to cancel everything, so Mountain Dew better watch out.

There you have it, folks. JD Vance: author, couch enthusiast, dolphin-obsessed, eyeliner-wearing, Mountain Dew-drinking potential vice president. What a time to be alive.