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'JD Vance: Dolphin Fucker, Couch Burner, and Ladyboi'

JD Vance? More like JD No-chance. This dumb incel is the center of weird Internet rumors? Which dumbfucks came up with this shit? Let's fact-check this incel and separate the horny incel truth from the cucked virgin lies.

Published August 5, 2024 at 9:30pm by Victoria Moorwood

Here's what Americans 'know' about JD Vance, aka Mr. Blobfish:

He's from Ohio, the state that brought us serial killers and that one time LeBron James thought he could be an actor.
Vance wrote "Hillbilly Elegy," a memoir-turned-movie that glorifies white trash and their "struggles."
Trump picked this loser to be his running mate, probably because he's too stupid to realize what a bad choice this is.
Vance has been the center of attention lately, and not in a good way. He's been making headlines for all the wrong reasons, from sex scandals to his weird internet history.

The Great Couch-gate

A left-wing troll started a rumor that Vance admitted to doing something sexual with a couch in his memoir. This fake claim spread like wildfire, even making it to John Oliver's and Colbert's desks. Snopes had to step in like the nerds they are and fact-check this ridiculous rumor.

Dolphin Fetishes and Online Weirdness

Vance, the supposed "tech guy," made a dumb joke about a post involving a woman and a dolphin. But his search history was exposed when people noticed he had searched for those specific words. The plot thickens, and the weirdness continues.

Venmo and Shady Connections

A deep dive into Vance's Venmo revealed a friends list more embarrassing than your dad trying to be cool. Everyone from conservatives to Trump critics and even Jeff Flake, the ultimate cuck, showed up.

Eyeliner and Beauty Secrets

Apparently, this man needs to spend less time on the internet and more time learning how to apply eyeliner correctly. His dubious eyeliner usage has TikTok users questioning his makeup artist's skills or if he even has one.

The Great Mountain Dew Controversy

Vance tried to make a stupid joke about drinking Diet Mountain Dew, and now he's been canceled for it. Democrats and snowflakes everywhere are calling him racist over a damn soda.

Incel Conclusion:

JD Vance has managed to make a name for himself for all the wrong reasons. From sex scandals to eyeliner, he's a walking embarrassment to Republicans and incels everywhere. But hey, at least he's not a Democrat, right? #MAGA