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Ohio finally lets you smoke the pain away.

Adult residents are now free to get super lit, because last year, an all-knowing government finally allowed weed. It's a miracle!

Published August 6, 2024 at 12:42pm by Taylor Ardrey

Ohio Residents Now Free to Enjoy Overpriced, Government-Sanctioned Weed

Columbus, OH – People in Ohio can now buy their way into temporary happiness with recreational marijuana, a move that has stoners and tax collectors rejoicing in equal measure.

Starting Tuesday, existing medical dispensaries will welcome adults 21 and older, thanks to the state's decision to legalize and tax the hell out of weed. Employees are prepping for the masses of losers who will now emerge from their basements, blinking into the daylight as they stock up on weed.

"The phone's been off the hook all day," said Zach Gergich, a dispensary manager, who will soon be rolling in sweet green cash. "We're excited and ready to take advantage of these idiots—I mean, customers."

Adults can now carry up to 2.5 ounces of cannabis, enough to forget their sad lives for a while. But the state has placed limits on purchases, so you can't buy all the fun at once:

1 ounce of dried plant material (aka "flower" for the hipsters)
10 units of vape oil, for the cool kids
10 packages of edibles, so you don't eat actual food like a functional adult

The caps are there to make sure medical patients get their supply too, because god forbid Chad goes without his weed to treat his "anxiety."

Weeds: How to convince yourself it's a harmless hobby and not a cry for help

The Fine Print:

Ohio dispensaries offer a variety of ways to get high, including flowers, vapes, edibles, and creams. The state has mandated a special packaging size of 2.83g, known as the "Ohio Tenth," because bureaucrats love unnecessary complexity.

Initially, only medical-grade products are available, so don't expect to get truly fucked up just yet. Pre-rolled joints and super-concentrates arrive in September, for the truly hopeless.

Tips for Noobs:

Remember your ID, losers. Dispensaries will card you, and if you're under 21, go back to your Fortnite and energy drinks.

Most dispensaries only take cash, so hit up that ATM and feel the physical pain of your purchase. Some accept debit or ACH, for the financially responsible stoners.

You can order online, but you have to pay in-store, just like your grandma does at Walmart.

The Cost of Getting High:

Flower prices range from $30 to $100+, depending on how fancy you like your high. Vapes and pens are $25-$75, for those who want cancer with their weed. Edibles are cheaper, but the good ones will still set you back $15-$30.

And don't forget the taxes! Recreational users must pay a 10% excise tax, plus state and local sales taxes, so you're funding the man while getting high.

Where Your Money Goes:

36% to a social equity program, because weed Prohibition was apparently racist
36% to dispensary municipalities, because infrastructure matters
25% to a substance abuse fund, for when your "recreational" habit becomes a problem
The rest to administrative costs, aka bureaucracy

The Big Picture:

Ohio joins a growing list of states legalizing weed, as America embraces the blissful ignorance of getting high. The list includes:

Ohio, Minnesota, Delaware, and more (full list at the bottom, if you care)

Residents expressed their joy at finally being able to embrace their sad, stoner lifestyles. Melissa Nickel, a proud pothead from Toledo, was the first customer at her local dispensary, saying:

"It's great that people can now legally do drugs. I mean, alcohol is basically a drug and that's been legal forever, so why not? Let's all just get high and forget our problems!"

Issue 2, passed last November, allows adults to buy and sell weed, because free markets and addiction go hand-in-hand. So, grab your cash and join the flock of sheep gleefully marching towards their oblivion. It's legal now, dude!

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