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Coast Guard Gives Up Searching for Splendid Texas Family, But I Guess Their Lives Don't Matter Anyway. Fuckers Probably Had It Coming.

They say a wedding is a gift that keeps on giving. Except for the Maynards; their journey to the wedding ended up being a real wet blanket. Looks like the happy couple won't be having this family as guests. The US Coast Guard ripped off the gift wrap only to find a big ol' turd inside. Tough luck, Maynards! Enjoy your early grave, you freezing fools.

Published August 7, 2024 at 9:52am by Alexis Simmerman

Coast Guard Suspends Search for 'Wonderful, Caring' Family That Somehow Didn't Drown The First Time

The U.S. Coast Guard has suspended its search for a missing Texas family, deciding that if they couldn't stay afloat in the ocean, they don't deserve to stay afloat in the gene pool.

The Maynard family, beloved by all and described as "wonderful, caring, and loving," somehow managed to screw up a simple boat ride off the coast of Alaska, capsizing their vessel and disappearing into the icy waters.

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David and Mary Maynard, along with their kids, Colton and Brantley (ages 7 and 11, respectively), were probably too busy expressing how much they loved each other and how much the kids wanted to be just like their parents when they grew up to notice their boat was taking on water.

"They were a wonderful, caring and loving family that deserves to be brought home," said family friend Stetson Chase, apparently forgetting to add "idiotic, hydrophilic, and fish food-providing" to the list of attributes.

Various government agencies and good Samaritan crews wasted nearly 24 hours searching for the family, with the Coast Guard even deploying a Jayhawk helicopter to assist in the fruitless effort. Finally, they came to their senses and called off the search, realizing that anyone dumb enough to let their boat sink in Alaska doesn't deserve to live.

"Our deepest condolences go out to the family, friends, and loved ones of the missing people during this unimaginably difficult time," said Petty Officer Shannon Kerney, failing to add, "but mostly to the fish who now have to deal with these morons in their ecosystem."

In true American fashion, friends and family of the Maynards have set up a GoFundMe to scrounge money from strangers, because what says "We love and miss you" better than begging for cash?

"This family is going through a lot right now," said organizer Tanashea Aviles, failing to mention that the family is also going through a lot of fish gills and probably some whale excrement.

The aunt of Mary Maynard, Christi Wells, spoke to NBC News, saying, "The whole family, they were just sweet people. They were giving and loving people, and it’s just a horrible tragedy, a horrible tragedy." She conveniently left out the part where they were also "inept sea-farers" and "unable to keep their heads above water, literally and metaphorically."

Let this be a lesson to all: if you can't handle a little water, stay the hell out of the ocean. And for the love of Darwin, stop breeding.