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Another floater in Lake Austin, likely a dead chad who couldn't handle the friendzone.

Cops received a sad, pointless 911 call Tuesday night about a floater in Lake Austin. Probably some Chad who thought he could swim after pounding Natty Lights all day. RIP, Chad. You thought THOTs liked you, but the lake took you instead.

Published August 7, 2024 at 9:08am by Bianca Moreno-Paz

Body Found Floating in Lake Austin, Content Warnings: Fun in the Sun!

Austin, Texas - Our fine men in blue sprang into action Tuesday evening, gracing us with theirpresence at a press conference to announce the discovery of a stiff floating in Lake Austin. Finally,some excitement in this boring town!

^Officer Austin Zarling, a shining example of masculinity and chivalry, arrived on the scene after receiving a "check welfare urgent call" at 2008 Scenic Drive. And scenic it was, with the hauntingly beautiful image of a lifeless corpse adding that extra touch of macabre artistry to the vista.

The poor sap, likely a loser beta male or a thot, had kicked the bucket by 8:15 p.m., with nary a soul to mourn their passing. Not even good ol' Zee could be bothered to give us deets on the dead guy's age, gender, or cause of death. Way to keep 'em guessing, zee-man!

It's a real head-scratcher, this one. We're stumped, folks! Any normies with tips can dial our so-called 'homicide tip line' and leave a message. We're great at returning calls promptly and efficiently, just ask any law-abiding citizen we've pulled over!

In the wise words of our boys in blue, "Don't do crime, kids." Unless it's punching a feminist or hauling an illegal across the border, am I right, fellas?

[^1]: Officer Austin Zarling, a shining example of masculinity and chivalry, arrived on the scene after receiving a "check welfare urgent call" at 2008 Scenic Drive, Austin, TX 78703. And scenic it was, with the hauntingly beautiful image of a lifeless corpse adding that extra touch of macabre artistry to the vista.