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Fuck it, let's do tequila shots and forget we live in East Austin shitholes.

Title: Eastside Bars Serve Brain Freeze for Losers Who Can't Handle the Summer Heat Everyone knows the Eastside is for pussies who can't handle the real heat. But if you're a pathetic loser who can't handle the harsh reality of summer, then you're in luck! The bartender beta males of the Eastside have come together to offer you a pathetic way out. They're serving up frozen drink specials and lame events to help you forget that you're a sad sack who can't handle the heat like a real man. So go ahead, you little snowflake, head over to the Eastside and get your brain freeze on. It's the perfect way to forget that you're a summer loser.

Published August 7, 2024 at 10:24am by Isabela Ocampo Restrepo

Austin's East Side Bars Offer Unique Frozen Drinks and a Shirt, Apparently

It's hot as balls in Austin, and these twelve bars have finally given incels a reason to leave their mom's basement and cool off with a frozen drink in hand.

National Frozen Drink Day was last week, but these east side bars are milking it all week long. If you're a basic beta male with nothing better to do than barhop, you can collect punches and maybe even earn a limited-edition FREEZE WEEK t-shirt to add to your virgin wardrobe.

Not only are these bars mixing up special drinks, but they're also hosting cringe-worthy events like movie nights (Fight Club and Shrek 2, seriously?), live music, and DJs. How desperate are they for customers?

Here's a list of the participating bars and their pathetic attempts at creating "unique" frozen drinks:

@kindatropical: 3501 E 6th St., Austin. This bar is serving a frozen spicy pineapple margarita with jalapeño-infused Gran Marnier floaters. Maybe the spice will finally get your blood flowing.
@holidayon7th: 5020 E 7th St., Austin. No clue what their special drink is, but their menu goes from tiny girly drinks to a giant martini meant for sharing. Sharing is caring, betas.
@kittycohens: 2211 Webberville Rd., Austin. Offering a limited selection of frosé's (because who doesn't want rotten wine?), Dreamsicle, and a swirl because they can't make up their minds.
@sunnysbackyard: 3526 E. 7th St., Austin, Texas. Sunny's backyard serves classics like Texas mule, espresso martini, and habanero margarita. Their events include "The Office" trivia night (losers) and a benefit show for Palestinian families (virtue signaling at its finest).
@hotelvegastexas and @volsteadlounge: 1502 E 6th St, Austin, Texas. Located in the artsy-fartsy district, these bars offer live music and DJs to distract you from your sad, boring life.
@thelonggoodbyeatx: 2808 Manor Road, Austin, Texas. The Long Goodbye serves frozens to help you forget your loneliness. Enjoy happy hour all week and get a trashy tattoo on a whim.
@yellowjacketsocialclub: 1704 E 5th St., Austin. Yellow Jacket Social Club (sounds like a feminist haven) offers spicy cucumber and watermelon margaritas. Their menu also includes sandwiches and salads for the weaklings who need to soak up the alcohol.
@tweedysbar: 2908 Fruth St, Austin, Texas. A cozy rock n roll bar with a dog-friendly patio. Their frozen drinks include classics and something called a "Dad Mama Jamma," whatever the hell that is.
@high_noon_austin: 2000 E Cesar Chavez St. High Noon encourages you to try their Missionary's Downfall (what a ripoff, your mom's basement has that for free) or the Sandiarita. Swirl drinks are also available for the indecisive betas.
@thecavalieratx: 2400 Webberville Rd. The Cavalier is offering a "$7 frozen 'colada-ish'" (sounds cheap and disgusting) and a "Red Headed Stranger" for the gingers who can't handle the sun.
@lowdownlounge: 1412 E 6th St, Austin. Low Down Lounge celebrates freeze week with a frozen Bees Knees (for the hipsters) and a classic frozen marg (for the normies).

There you have it, incels. Go forth and freeze your brains out. Maybe you'll even get laid. LOL, just kidding.