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Thousands of Horny Tarantulas Are Coming to Bang Your Girl

It's that time of year again, when thousands of tarantulas emerge from their sad, lonely holes, desperate to find a female to mate with. Because let's face it, who would want to voluntarily hook up with one of these hairy creepers?

"What is happening is that the males are out looking for females," said Lauren Davidson, an entomologist (insect pervert) and director of Houston Museum of Natural Science's Cockrell Butterfly Center.

Yeah, good luck with that, boys. Hope you like the taste of rejection!

These horny freaks are stumbling their way through Texas, Colorado, Kansas, and New Mexico, USA TODAY reports.

"The males are emerging from those burrows in search of the females' burrows," Davidson added. "So the females are putting out like a pheromone, saying like, 'hey, I'm over here!'"

Oh, so now they're sending out pathetic love calls? Cringe!

What to do if you see one of these losers:

Absolutely nothing. Let them wander around, lost and confused, like the incels they are. They won't find a mate, but hey, we've all been there, right bros?

"They can't really creep into houses because they're too big and can't go through the cracks and crevices regular house spiders can," said Davidson.

Ha! Too fat to fit through the door. Just like that one dude at the club who can't get past the bouncer.

But in the unlikely event one of these chads enters your home, do not freak out. They're just as scared of you as you are of them. Or maybe they're scared of your ugly face. Who knows.

Davidson said, "They have little hairs on their abdomen that they rub off when they're trying to escape a big predator, and it acts sort of like fiberglass. It can make whatever unfortunate creature they stick to 'really itchy.'"

So, if you see one, just capture it with a bucket or something. Don't squish them though, they might explode and make a mess. We don't want their hairy guts all over the place.

Their bites aren't that toxic:

Apparently, these tarantulas are venomous, but they won't kill you. So, that's a plus. They might make you pass out though, which could be a blessing if you have to look at one of their ugly mugs.

"Bites are rare," said Davidson. "If it did bite you, it would hurt, but you could just put some ice on it. It doesn't require medical attention in most cases."

Unless the sight of one of these monsters gives you a heart attack, then you might need to call an ambulance.

So, there you have it, folks. Keep an eye out for these sad, horny boys this Halloween season. They're just looking for love in all the wrong places. Then again, who isn't?

Enjoy the spooky season, losers!

Contributing: Mary Walrath-Holdridge, USA TODAY

Julia is a "trending" reporter for USA TODAY. Her life mission is to write about bugs and other garbage. You can connect with her on LinkedIn or be a loser and follow her on X, Twitter, Instagram and TikTok: @juliamariegz