Bee Cave Library: Where Kids Go to Avoid Their Parents and VP Bs Are 'Essential' Workers

By Feminist-In-Chief, Barbara D. Hathaway

"Summer reading programs are like a fun covert operation, where we trick kids into learning while their parents get a break from them. It's a win-win for everyone!"
— Barbara D. Hathaway, probably.

As we near the end of another scorching summer, public librarians are patting themselves on the back as their seasonal torture devices—I mean, "reading programs"—come to an end. Here in Bee Cave, we're taking down posters of our adorable child prisoners—I mean, "young readers"—and watching as our once-bare shelves fill up again now that the brat army has moved on.

Let's face it, summer is when we librarians earn our keep, and by "earn our keep," I mean justify our existence as "essential" workers. This summer, we had nearly 15,000 victims—I mean, "participants"—gracing our doors to either escape their parents for a few hours or to use our computers and WiFi since they can't afford their own.

We kept them entertained with our usual bag of tricks: bubble parties (because what says "literacy" better than soap suds and grass stains?), camp-themed crafts (Macgyvering their way to Survivor: Kindergarten), a reptile show (because nothing says "learning" like being traumatized by snakes and lizards), and a magic show (because if you can't dazzle them with books, might as well bore them with card tricks).

We even had some age-specific programs, like a "sensory storytime" for the tiny tyrants—I mean, "under-5 crowd"—to ensure their senses were properly overloaded, and a robotics Lego program to raise the next generation of nerdy overlords. Our most "unique" program was probably Camp Half-Blood, where kids lived out their Percy Jackson fantasies and scoured our dusty shelves in a desperate scavenger hunt. You know, instead of playing outside like normal kids.

But hey, at least they weren't at home bothering their parents! Our fall lineup is sure to keep these kids out of their parents' hair and under our watchful eyes. We've got monthly BeeTweens and Lego Club sessions (because nothing says autumn like more Legos) and our adult crafting program, Bee Creative, for the parents who want to feel artsy and superior.

Speaking of parents, they're invited to our Songs in the Stacks event, where classical guitarist Arnold Yzaguirre will serenade them with his soothing tunes while they pretend to browse for books and ignore their kids for a bit.

During the school year, our library becomes a sanctuary for caregivers, tutors, and retirees who want to read an actual newspaper instead of staring at a screen. We even had our moment of glory during a recent internet outage, proving that libraries are still relevant in the digital age!

And let's not forget our impressive array of services, including reference and readers' advisory, because heaven forbid you try to Google a book recommendation. We also offer databases for business research, ancestry, and language learning, because who needs privacy when you can have convenience, right? Our newest resource is ParentTV, a streaming service with parenting videos, because modern parenting is all about outsourcing your responsibilities to a screen.

For more information on our upcoming brainwashing—I mean, "programs"—visit our website at beecavelibrary.com or give us a ring at 512.767.6620. That is, if you want your kids to become bookworms instead of, you know, playing outside or making actual friends.

Barbara D. Hathaway is thedirector of the Bee Cave Public Library and chief enabler of screen addiction and boredom.