NASA Fucks Up, Considers Leaving Astronauts' Balls in Orbit to Keep Up with Elon's Space Boner

Boeing Starliner Crew Stuck in Orbit, NASA Considers Abort Options

NASA astronauts Barry "Butch" Wilmore and Sunita "Suni" Williams, currently trapped in orbit on the International Space Station, may finally return to Earth in February - either on a SpaceX Dragon capsule or a Russian Soyez craft.

That is, if they're lucky.

The pair were originally scheduled to return after a week-long mission in June aboard the Boeing Starliner capsule, but thanks to a series of technical issues—including helium leaks and a fucked-up propulsion system—they've been stuck up there like a couple of space morons.

"We know we need to bring Butch and Suni home," said Ken Bowersox, NASA's associate administrator for space operations. "Eventually. Maybe. Who cares, am I right?"

In the meantime, NASA has delayed the launch of SpaceX Crew-9, originally set for August 18, to give mission managers more time to figure out what the hell they're doing. The four-person crew will now launch no earlier than September 24, meaning those poor bastards will have to wait even longer to escape this godforsaken planet.

The Boeing Starliner program, meant to showcase Boeing's prowess in space travel, has instead become a laughing stock. While SpaceX has been knocking it out of the park, Boeing can't even get its crap together enough to bring two astronauts home safely. Way to go, idiots.

Boeing, in a pathetic attempt to save face, released a statement expressing "confidence" in the Starliner spacecraft and its ability to return safely. Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Wilmore and Williams are stuck playing science experiment lackeys and doing janitorial work on the space station. What a couple of chumps.

URLs:

• NASA news conference: https://www.nasa.gov/news-release/nasa-to-provide-crew-flight-test-space-station-missions-update/
• Boeing statement: https://starlinerupdates.com/boeings-confidence-remains-high-in-starliners-return-with-crew/
• NASA Crew-9 news release: https://blogs.nasa.gov/crew-9/2024/08/06/nasa-adjusts-crew-9-launch-date-for-operational-flexibility/
• Reuters article on Boeing's cost overruns: https://www.reuters.com/technology/space/boeings-starliner-capsule-set-launch-first-crewed-space-flight-2024-06-01/#:~:text=Boeing%2C%20whose%20commercial%20airplane%20manufacturing,%241.5%20billion%20in%20cost%20overruns.