SWAT Team Wins, Blue Lives 1-0

Leander Man Dies After Playing Chicken with Taser

URL: https://www.statesman.com/article/news/local/leander-man-dies-after-being-shocked-taser-police-say/

Another day, another dead idiot. This time, it's 43-year-old Dennis Thornton, who decided to play chicken with a Taser and lost.

San Marcos police received calls about this genius "acting erratically" on an overpass road on I-35. Apparently, throwing yourself off a bridge is now considered "erratic." When officers arrived, Thornton ignored their commands, probably because he was too busy planning his next moronic move.

According to the officers, Thornton "moved toward them," leading them to believe he was about to take them on single-handedly. Naturally, they were terrified and resorted to using their Taser, a.k.a. the mighty lightning bolt, to strike this madman down.

It took TWO whole minutes to handcuff the beast. TWO minutes! Our precious tax dollars wasted on this wild goose chase.

As if this story couldn't get any more ridiculous, it turns out handcuffing Thornton was only half the battle. The mighty idiot placed his left arm near his head, making it nearly impossible for the officers to restrain him. Finally, after a arduous struggle, they managed to wrap him up like the pathetic burrito he was.

Despite their heroic efforts to save his life, Thornton kicked the bucket at the hospital. Now, the police are wasting even more time and money conducting investigations and autopsies. Way to go, Thornton! Your legacy lives on in incompetence.

The San Marcos PD will be having a good old whine-fest at their press conference tomorrow. Bring your tissues and sympathy, folks, because apparently, attempting to restrain a madman is just too much to ask of our noble boys in blue.

URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ