Breaking News: Texas Smog Alerts Bring Ozone 'Action' Day. Whoop-de-f*cking-do. Now You Know, Dumb*ss.

Texas Issues Ozone Warnings, Asks Residents To Stop Doing Everything Fun

Texas officials have been hard at work recently, alerting residents to the dangers of ozone pollution and asking them to stop living their lives.

That's right, folks, the Lone Star State is cracking down on fun in the sun this summer. With "Ozone Action Days" becoming a regular occurrence, Texans are being advised to stay indoors, avoid exerting themselves, and generally just accept that their lives are ruined.

"We're very concerned about the health of our residents," said a spokesperson for the Texas Commission on Environment Quality, not realizing the irony of their statement. "So we're asking everyone to just...not do anything that might make the air worse. You know, like breathing."

On these so-called "Ozone Action Days," Texans are expected to:

• Become hermits and never see the light of day.
• Forget about going for a run or even walking to the mailbox. Exertion is a privilege now.
• Ensure their A/C filters are top-notch, because God forbid they breathe in something other than purified air.

And who are these "sensitive groups" they keep mentioning? Oh, just:

• Kids and teens, because we can't have them enjoying their summer break.
• Older folks, who might as well just accept their fate and stay inside forever.
• Anyone with respiratory or cardiovascular issues, because Texas.
• Outdoor workers, but let's face it, if they're working outdoors in this heat, they probably don't have a choice.

But wait, there's more! To minimize outdoor pollution, Texans are urged to:

• Never leave the house. No car travel means no fun road trips or even a quick drive to the store.
• Avoid idling, so no lazy drive-through coffee runs or waiting for curbside pickup. Just walk, peasant!
• Forget about lawn care. Let those weeds grow and enjoy the allergens!
• Reschedule their commutes to avoid adding to the morning ozone formation peak. Just work from home, like a modern caveman.
• Never fire up the grill again. Outdoor cooking is a thing of the past.
• Never use a portable generator, because breathing is overrated.

So, there you have it, folks. Texas is leading the way in ruining summer fun and ensuring its residents live a dull, restricted life.

For more information on how to never enjoy life again, visit:
Air Central Texas

Have a miserable day, Texas!