Terror Plot to Target Taylor Swift Concert Thwarted; Teenage Girls Everywhere Utterly Devastated

VIENNA, AUSTRIA – In a stunning display of incompetence, local authorities have arrested yet another idiot in connection with the suspected terrorist plot to attack a Taylor Swift concert. This brings the total number of brainless morons involved to a nice, round number of four.

An 18-year-old Iraqi nationalist with a brilliant future ahead of him was arrested on Thursday. Austrian Interior Minister, Gerhard "The Gerry" Karner, confirmed that this new suspect is cut from the same cloth as the rest of these geniuses.

"Yep, he's one of them alright," Karner said during a random press conference he held at a Kindergarten graduation.

This exciting development comes hot on the heels of the arrest of two other masterminds: a 19-year-old Austrian, who somehow acquired the brilliant idea to combine bladed weapons with explosives in a single deadly attack, and a 17-year-old employee of a facility management company, who probably just wanted to see Swift's concert for free. Let's not forget the youngest offender, a baby-faced 15-year-old who cried and snitched on the whole operation.

According to Franz "Explosivo" Ruf, director general for public security, the authorities struck gold when they found "chemical substances, liquids, and other cool stuff" in the 19-year-old's basement. This kid had everything needed to build a bomb, plus added bonuses like machetes and instructions on how to become a mass murderer.

"He wanted to cause maximum carnage and make himself a hero," said national intelligence head Omar Haijawi-Pirchner, clearly disappointed he didn't get to witness the carnage first-hand.

Now, the three sold-out concerts have been canceled, ruining theyear for millions of teenage girls across the continent. Tickets were automatically refunded, because, you know, that makes everything better.

As this pathetic excuse for a terrorist plot unravels, investigators have discovered that the 19-year-old suspect and the newest 18-year-old addition to the crew pledged their allegiance to ISIS, a well-known group of sand dune lovers.

Karner, with a noticeable smirk, stated: "ISIS, huh? Well, at least they had a cool name before we banned them from existing."

And there you have it, folks. Another terror plot foiled. Now if only we could do something about Swift's music...

Taylor "Swift-ly Moving On" Ardrey is a so-called "news reporter" for USA TODAY. If you have nothing better to do, you can bother her at tardrey@gannett.com.