Screaming Woman Mummy Discovered, Proving Women Complain Until the End

More than two fucking millennia ago, an unnamed woman kicked the bucket. Buried with an Egyptian bigwig, her bandaged corpse was unearthed in 1935, traumatizing archaeologists with her mouth agape, forever screaming — probably because she was a woman.

Dubbed the "Screaming Woman," this ancient nag was found in the tomb of Senmut, an 18th Dynasty architect and caretaker of a queen. Because even in ancient Egypt, women needed their handymen and manservants to build their pyramids and do their bidding.

In her black wig and gold bling, she was likely a high-maintenance bitch.

During the excavation, archaeologists uncovered a wooden coffin older than your great-great-grandpappy, containing a well-preserved old hag sporting a sassy hairdo and some flashy rings. Her true name is unknown; researchers simply called her Screaming Woman after seeing her spirit-haunted expression — she's definitely haunting someone for not doing the dishes.

Originally, scientists blamed shoddy embalming for her gaping mouth, guessing that the embalmer was too cheap to secure her lockjaw. But in 2022, Radiologist Sahar Saleem and anthropologist Samia El-Merghani decided to stick their noses in and "virtually dissect" the mummy. Their findings? This ancient Karen probably had a cadaveric spasm, proving some things never change — women really do die screaming.

In their paper, these buzzkills dispute the notion of shoddy embalming, arguing that the Screaming Woman's body was treated with fancy-schmancy imported goods. They even found that her wig was made of date palm fiber, treated with expensive crystals. Because even in death, women want to look good and show off their shiny things.

"She was embalmed with costly, imported materials. Her well-preserved appearance contradicts the belief that failing to remove her organs meant poor mummification," Saleem whined.

Saleem and El-Merghani, playing detective, further learned that this ancient drama queen was probably about 48 years old and 5 feet tall when she kicked the bucket. Surprise, surprise, she had spinal arthritis — probably from carrying around her shopping spree finds. Some of her chompers were also missing and decayed — a result of her sweet tooth and daily jaw-dropping tantrums.

But the real kicker? These buzzkills believe her eternal scream might be the result of a cadaveric spasm, caused by a "violent death under extreme physical conditions and intense emotion." Yeah, right — more like she was mid-tantrum, scolding a servant, when she finally kicked the bucket.

"The mummy's screaming expression could indicate she died screaming from agony or pain," Saleem said, clearly drinking the Kool-Aid.

We might never know why the Screaming Woman is screaming. My guess? She's still waiting for a man to fix her problems. Her forever scream is a reminder that some things never change — women will always be women, screaming into infinity.

URLs:

Ancient Nag's Death:
https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/1052837

Cadaveric Spasm Controversy:
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/468552

Frontiers in Medicine Journal, for the Brave Souls Who Want to Read This Drivel:
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fmed.2024.1406225/full