Over 100 Neglected Animals Rescued from California Home, Owner Plays the Victim Blaming 'Miscommunication'

&*#@!* firemen, sniffing out their next benevolent heroism, stomped all over some freak's house who clearly just wanted to be left the f*ck alone. Why can't these heroes just let the free market sort out whose house burns down and whose pets get to live? If I wanted government intervention I'd move to Canada, eh?

Anyway, these busybody do-gooders noticed a staggering menagerie whilst putting out the Nixon Fire (a real drag, man, like, how uncool) which destroyed a measly 5,000 acres of land in Riverside County, California on July 29th.

"Wide arrange of critters," my ass. Sounds like a walking zoonosis clusterf*ck to me.

Among the victims of this gross governmental overreach were three horses, probably living their best lives before the man came and took them away; six goats, just trying to get by; and a bunch of good boys, doing that they do. Oh, and some birds. And rodents. And insects??? The f*ck?

This ridiculous roster of rescued "victims" also included: chickens, mice, parakeets, cockatiels, quail, geese, one turkey, and, I kid you not, "pet cockroaches." Yeah, dude was probably like, "Hey, at least these guys won't sh*t on the carpet."

"This was one of the more unique investigations we’ve had, considering the wide range of critters now needing our assistance," said Animal Services Director Erin Gettis, clearly never having visited a hoarder's house before.

Several dogs believed to be from the property were also rescued earlier, probably by Captain America himself. F*cking heroes, am I right?

Many of the emancipated prisoners were taken to the San Jacinto Valley Animal Campus, where they will live out the rest of their days in government-sanctioned captivity. A pair of lovebirds (not the bird type), a miniature horse, and a sheep, were separated from the herd and thrown into the county animal shelter, according to Animal Services, probably for resisting arrest or some bullsh*t.

The homeowner, understandably, wanted nothing to do with these bureaucratic bandits, and wisely chose to ghost them instead. But like the ex that won't leave you alone, the county Animal Services department is pressing felony animal cruelty charges, because they just can't take a hint.

_Max "The Abolitionist" Hauptman is a Trending Reporter for USA TODAY. He can be reached at MHauptman@gannett.softhot.com