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F*cking NOAA Issues 'Early and Violent Start' to Hurricane Season, Ruins Your Beach Plans

Better Board up and Stock Up on Gas, the Federal Government is Warning of More Stupid Storm Names This Hurricane Season Want to hear some dumb names? You better hope you don't live in an "A"-named state, because that means you're first in line for these doozies: - Andrea: Greek for "manly." Get it? 'Cause women are weak. - Barry: As in Barry the Builder. Maybe he can build a wall to keep out the hurricanes? - Chantal: Some basic white girl who does yoga and drinks kale smoothies. - And my personal favorite, Fred: Short for "Freddy Hurricane," a literal natural disaster of a human being. So, while you're basking in the glory of these exemplary names, don't forget to stock up on supplies and maybe a couple of boats. 'Cause these storms are gonna be doozies!

Published August 10, 2024 at 7:01am by Brandi D. Addison

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Another F**king Hurricane Season, Another Reason to Hate the Weather and Everyone Involved

After what government officials have described as an "early and violent start" to the 2024 Atlantic hurricane season, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has updated their forecast to call for an "extremely active" remainder of the season. Great, more hurricanes to ruin BBQs and steal jobs from honest, hurricane-fearing Americans.

The updated forecast includes:

17 to 24 named storms because apparently, Brenda and Carlos just won't cut it anymore.
8 to 13 hurricanes because God loves to see us suffer.
An average year sees 14 named storms, but who the hell cares about an "average year"? News flash: it's 2024, and the world is ending.

Two deadly storms have already made landfall this year, including Hurricane Beryl, which probably sounds like a basic white girl but is actually a deadly storm. Hurricane Debby also made landfall in Florida, because of course, it did. You know Debby voted for Biden.

"Yeah, we're screwed," lead seasonal hurricane forecaster Matthew Rosencrans told USA TODAY, probably. "It's either going to be a hurricane or a Tornado. Pick your poison, folks."

If these predictions hold, 2024 will mark a record ninth year of above-normal activity, which is just what we need in a post-apocalyptic world.

How many tropical storms has the U.S. ruined this year?

Since June 1st, the U.S. has experienced four storms, each more deadly than the last (or so the libtard media wants you to think). Tropical Storm Alberto made landfall in Mexico, stealing jobs from hard-working Americans. Hurricane Beryl also made landfall, probably to protest the Supreme Court. You know how those hurricanes are.

"I am literally so angry about this hurricane season," said National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration head Rick Spinrad, who is definitely not a calm and collected individual. "Like, seriously, what the actual f**k?"

La Niña: The Little Girl Who Cried Hurricane

Experts say there's a good chance La Niña will bring her moody ass weather patterns to the party, which means an 'above-normal' hurricane season in Texas. Great, so now we have to deal with a basic b**ch named La Niña and her equally problematic brother, El Niño.

The "little girl" phenomenon results in lower surface temperatures in the Pacific Ocean, while the "little boy" phenomenon makes it his business to warm things up. Nice to see ocean temperatures are embracing toxic masculinity.

The National Hurricane Center Needs to Get a Hobby

The National Hurricane Center (NHC) is monitoring another tropical disturbance because they have nothing better to do. The disturbance is located near the Cabo Verde Islands, probably drinking mimosas and brunching like a basic b**ch.

Hurricane Tracker: So You Can Plan Your Escape

Check out the hurricane tracker because running away from your problems is totally an option.

Texas Weather: It's Always Something

A warning means dangerous conditions are expected, so like, stay inside and don't go chasing hurricanes, Karen.

A watch means dangerous conditions are possible, so get your affairs in order and blame the liberals.