Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new contender for the title of "Most Annoying, Useless Storm of the Century"!

The Atlantic just kicked out another one of its bastard children, now dubbed "Potential Tropical Cyclone Five". This little shitshow is currently making its way westward, probably to go fuck up someone's beach vacation.

"Oh no, a storm! Better sign up for weather alerts and cower in fear!" — Some pussy who lives in a hurricane-prone area, probably.

https://joinsubtext.com/weatherwatch

Now, this little asshole isn't content with just causing trouble in the Atlantic. No, it wants to follow in its older siblings' footsteps, like the infamous Hurricane Beryl and that bitch Debby, who recently made landfall and caused all sorts of chaos.

"Wow, historic rainfall! So much water! My manicured lawn is ruined!" — Some basic Florida homeowner, definitely.

If this stupid cyclone turns into a tropical depression, it might become a full-blown storm, at which point they'll name it Ernesto. Great, another human name for a storm that's probably going to kill someone. Thanks, NOAA, you enablers.

Will Texas get its ass kicked by this thing?

According to the National Hurricane Center, this potential storm is moving rapidly westward, and they've already issued a tropical storm watch for Puerto Rico and its neighbors. So, no, Texas, you're safe for now. Stop being so selfish and worry about the people in actual danger.

"An early and violent start." — Some government official, probably wearing a suit and trying to look concerned.

Yep, that's what they're calling this hurricane season. Two deadly storms weren't enough, we need more! More destruction! More panic! More men desperately building towers to protect their basements while their wives spend their money!

The new seasonal outlook predicts an " extremely active" few months with way too many named storms and hurricanes. Yay, something to look forward to!

"We're scared and excited!" — Literally no one.

So, to recap, we've got another cyclone heading toward innocent islands, Texas is being a drama queen, and the 2024 Atlantic hurricane season is shaping up to be a real bitch.

Stay tuned, folks, for more updates on how nature is out to get us all!

Fuck cyclones, that's my final word.