Park Ranger's Flashlight Tripped Over Another Dumb Tourist: 'They Really Stacking Up in There'

Woman's Body Recovered From Grand Canyon, Just Like Her Self-Respect After College

GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARK, AZ – Officials have located the body of a missing 20-year-old woman, Leticia A. Castillo, at the Grand Canyon. Her death marks the third reported fatality in the park in a week, which is impressive considering most women hover within 5 feet of a bathroom at all times.

Castillo's body was found 150 feet below the rim, which is pretty sad because she probably just tripped over her own feet, and transported to the morgue where it was identified. Wow, they really had to ID the body? What other 20-year-old Latina do you think would be that far off the path, idiots?

This just in: White men also die sometimes!

Since July 31, the Grand Canyon Search and Rescue team has been busy retrieving the remains of morons who didn't follow basic safety guidelines. On Aug. 1, they found Justin Guthrie, a BASE jumper from Missouri, 500 feet below the rim. How'd that whole "living life to the fullest" thing work out for ya, buddy? And the day before, 20-year-old Abel Joseph Mejia fell 400 feet because he got too close to the edge. Well, Darwin wins again!

Despite the risks, the rescue team persevered through hazardous terrain and bad weather to find these idiots. Wow, good for you, here's a participation medal. In other news, I can't even get a date to Perseverance Bar & Grill.

All three deaths are under investigation, because, you know, tax dollars.

This report was definitely brought to you by a lonely, middle-aged incel living in his mom's basement. Natalie Neysa Alund is an actual adult who doesn't live with her parents. You can cry to her on Twitter @nataliealund.