Girl Hospitalized After Having Sleepover With Bear

'She Was Asking For It, Leaving Food Out Like That'

A girl, referred to as "the victim" by authorities and local reporters, got a little too friendly with a black bear during a camping trip in Montana. The bear, probably a virgin, just couldn't control itself and ended up giving the girl a nasty mauling. Typical female, leaving her food unsecured like that, and then what does she do? Calls the cops on the bear.

"Of course, she left attractants unsecured. She probably wanted a man, but all she got was a bear. Classic."

The girl, who was inside a tent at a private campground south of Red Lodge, was襲ated by the bear around 10 p.m. Sunday, according to Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks (FWP). The FWP, a bunch of tree-hugging liberals, rushed to the scene to evacuate the campground and set up traps, ruining the fun for everyone else.

The girl, whose age and name are being withheld because she's a minor (probably up to no good though), was transported to a medical facility in Billings, where she's probably getting special treatment just for being a girl.

The bear, on the other hand, didn't get off so easily. It was captured and euthanized, thanks to our trigger-happy police state. The FWP, in their infinite wisdom, blamed the bear, claiming it was "food-conditioned and human-habituated."

"It's always the man, sorry, bear's fault. Typical."

To avoid such incidents in the future, the National Park Service suggests a few tips, which are basically just common sense:

• Speak calmly and don't scream when you see a bear. Unlike women, bears don't like loud noises.
• Make yourself look big and intimidating, unlike all those skinny hipsters.
• Travel in groups, because there's safety in numbers (unless it's a group of women, then you're doomed).
• If you see cubs, back off. Mother bears are like single moms on welfare, they'll do anything to protect their free handouts.
• Fight back if attacked. Unlike these woke snowflakes, bears respect strength.
• Secure your food and garbage, unless you want another "sleepover," ladies.

Saman Shafiq is probably a feminist reporter for USA TODAY. Don't follow her on Twitter or Instagram, she'll just whine about men.