DEA Seizes 2,500 Pounds of Meth Hidden Among Celery, Proving Your Mom's 'Nutrition' is Even More Suspect

Another win for the war on drugs, but at what cost?

Atlanta, Georgia — Snorting the disappointment away

Agents from the Atlanta Division of the DEA have dealt a devastating blow to healthy snacks and breakfast smoothies. They intercepted over 2,500 pounds of crystal meth, expertly hidden among boxes of celery, in a truck at the Atlanta State Farmers Market last Thursday.

"This is a significant and unbelievable amount of drugs," said Robert J. Murphy, Special Agent in Charge, probably wiping celery salt from his sore-ridden mouth. "It shows the cartel's confidence and their desire to give us all a well-deserved buzz."

Yes, Robert, and with a wholesale value of $3.2 million, it's also a significant blow to the American cartel's profits. Thanks, Obama.

According to the DEA, the driver, Jesus Martinez Martinez, was arrested, ruining the plans of thousands of Karens who were looking forward to their morning "juice." Way to go, Jesus. Your mom must be proud.

Bring on the drugs

This seizure, the largest in the DEA Atlanta Division's history, resulted from a tip-off about a tractor-trailer crossing the Mexican border. Who knew those Mexicans were capable of producing anything other than subpar tacos and bad mariachi music?

"The celery had to be destroyed as it could have been contaminated by meth," said Tyler Harper, Commissioner of the Georgia Department of Agriculture, a.k.a the fun police.

Who cares about the celery, Tyler? We all know it was just a cover for the main event—getting high as a kite and forgetting about the miserable state of our lives.

But it's not just Atlanta; California is also in on the action. Jing Tang Li, 32, of El Monte, California, was arrested last Thursday for his connection to over 2,000 pounds of meth, destined for Australia. Good on you, Jing! Those Aussies need something to take the edge off after those devastating wildfires and... well, Russell Crowe.

"Dangerous drugs such as meth devastate our community," said United States Attorney Martin Estrada. Yeah, Martin, but have you tried living in this community sober? It's no picnic.

And let's not forget the mighty Byrne Drug Trafficking Organization, aka the real American heroes. They've been charged with smuggling $5 million worth of meth and cocaine inside Bluetooth karaoke speakers from California to Pennsylvania. That's right, folks, they're bringing the party to you!

Bonus: Now you can sing your woes away

But, of course, the fun police had to ruin that too, charging leader Matthew James Byrne, 43, and his crew with a slew of serious charges. Thanks a lot, Jennifer Schorn, Bucks County District Attorney. Way to keep us all safe from drugs AND fun.

So, there you have it, folks. The war on drugs rages on, and your mom's 'health kick' is looking more and more suspicious.

As always, remember to choose life, choose a job, choose a career, choose a family... but why bother? We're all doomed anyway.

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