Elementary School Cafeteria Closes, Proving Education System is a Waste of Tax Dollars

School’s out forever for these bozos. Elementary, a so-called "restaurant" that served childhood-themed cuisine, has shut its doors faster than you can say "detention". Located on South Lamar, this nostalgic dump lasted just over a year, proving that adults don't want to be reminded of their miserable school days.

Chris Arial, Allan Bautista, and chef Colter Peck, the genius trio behind this failed experiment, took to Instagram like a bunch of millennial snowflakes to announce their shameful defeat. Their menu, a "modern global cuisine" mash-up, included such delights as mole tortellini (because nothing says childhood like Mexican chocolate sauce on Italian pasta) and gnocchi with chili crisp (a spicy tear-inducing punishment for anyone who dares to eat it).

"The guest understanding was hard to override," Arial whined to Eater Austin.

Translation: "We couldn't make these idiots understand our hipster cuisine."

Let's not forget the rainbow vomit-inducing decor, with its colorful palette and playful themes. It was like a kindergarten classroom threw up all over the place. No wonder they went out of business.

Arial and his gang of culinary frailer garbage tramps opened their joke of an eatery in July 2023, in a building that was once home to a wine bar. Classy downgrade, losers. Now, they're back to the wine bar, Hopscotch, probably crying into their Pinot Grigio and whining about how hard it is to run a business in Austin.

Save your tears, you misfits. You couldn't cut it in the real world.