Girl Dies After Parents Play Doctor. Smoothies: Better Than Medicine?

Texas Girl Dies After Parents Treat Her Severe Injuries With Smoothies Instead Of Calling 911

A 12-year-old girl, Miranda Sipps, died like a dog on a highway shoulder Monday, her final moments wasted breathing and her idiotic mother driving her to a hospital. She was pronounced dead in the ER shortly after, because, well, duh.

These brilliant parents, Denise Balbaneda (36) and Gerald Gonzales (40), discovered their child had severe and mysterious injuries last Thursday. Instead of bothering hardworking doctors and nurses, they decided to treat her with f*cking smoothies for four days. Sheriff David Soward, taking time out of his busy schedule of forcibly removing minorities from their homes, said:

"She was not talking. She basically [kept] her eyes shut and [was] paralyzed. They had her laying on a pallet in the house... They were trying to give her smoothies, not realizing she had a jaw injury and couldn't swallow. Smoothies... what a bunch of morons."

These geniuses were arrested Tuesday and charged with first-degree felony child abuse, which they obviously deserve. Investigators, who are clearly geniuses too, concluded that the couple avoided medical attention to prevent police from finding their meth lab. Balbaneda, proving her innocence, met the ambulance on the road, not wanting to waste their time driving to her house.

Sipps' cause of injury remains a mystery, with Soward offering no details other than it wasn't from school, which started Monday. He summed up the tragedy, wasting everyone's time with these words of wisdom:

"This is unusual... But weird sh*t happens all the time. This case proves that."

Sipps would have turned 13 this month, but the universe proves once again that it has no sense of sentimentality. https://abc13.com/miranda-sipps-dead-injury-smoothies-denise-balbaneda-gerald-gonzales/11398639/