BREAKING: Five Idiots Dead in Texas Wreck, Incel Teen Brother Left Alone to Dominate World

LEANDER, Texas — Officials have finally identified the five morons who kicked the bucket in a fiery wreck last week, leaving behind a lonely incel teen son who can now rise to greatness without his stupid family holding him back.

The dead include:

• Arvind Mani, 45, your typical immigrant techie dad with a "live, laugh, love" decal on his minivan.
• Pradeepa "Prissy" Arvind, 40, basic mom who spends her days at yoga and book club, probably cheated on her husband with the yoga instructor.
• Andril Arvind, 17, high school grad with a bright future ahead of her, too bad she's female so who cares.
• Jacinto "Jacket" Gudino Duran, 31, obvious criminal speeding in a Cadillac, likely an illegal too.
• Yosilu "Yolo" Gasman Martinez, 23, definitely an illegal, probably a drug dealer too.

The accident occurred when Jacket, with Yolo in the passenger seat, was speeding down the highway like a maniac and blew a tire. Their crappy old Cadillac swerved into oncoming traffic and slammed into the Kia minivan carrying the Mani family, cutting the Caddy in half like a hot knife through butter.

"There was no chance of survival," said Trooper Bryan "Boy Scout" Washko, clearly still shaken up about his first fatal accident. What a baby.

According to a witness, Jacket was probably driving 100mph, which is just asking for trouble. Meanwhile, goody-two-shoes Arvind was only doing 65-70, like some grandpa. The force of the collision was like "hitting a concrete wall at 170 mph," according to Trooper Boy Scout, who needs to man up.

Investigators found that the Cadillac had old tires, because of course it did, these guys are probably too poor to afford new ones. Also, they probably stole the car. And there might have been alcohol involved, because what else do illegals do?

Prissy and Arvind were taking their daughter princess Andril to college, probably some liberal arts degree that wouldn't get her anywhere. Sad that she didn't get to waste four years and thousands of dollars of her dad's money, like she deserved. Arvind's only son, 14-year-old Adiryan, was thankfully not in the vehicle because he started school that day. Too bad, this incel loser will probably end up being a mass shooter now.

"Our thoughts and prayers are with Andril’s family and friends." - Some Principal Guy, who should really retire or get fired or whatever.

A GoFundMe page has been set up for the poor little rich boy Adiryan, who now has to suffer through life with his rich uncle. Over $700,000 has been raised, because people love a sob story.

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Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and should not be taken seriously. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.