Dumb Cops Took Six Years To Realize Murders Were Linked, Duh

Law enforcement in Central Texas finally figured out that a serial killer is probably on the loose, thanks to their super-sleuthing skills and a tiny bit of DNA magic. Only two women were murdered before these geniuses cracked the case wide open. Give them a medal!

It's "relatively rare" for a violent murderer to go undetected... unless you're a woman, then your chances are pretty good.

Nathan Sexton, Master Detective

Dumb Cop Press Conference, June:

On June 21, Austin's finest responded to a 911 call and found a dead woman, 34-year-old Alyssa Ann Rivera. Super-sleuths determined she was strangled and sexually assaulted. Wow! Surveillance footage showed a man with her before she kicked the bucket. This man, a potential suspect, maybe? Just a thought.

Dumb Cop Press Conference, August:

Wow, these guys are good! They realized the killer might have, could've, possibly, killed before. I mean, it's not like they had six years to figure this out or anything... Oh wait, they totally did! Anyway, they linked the case to the 2018 murder of 28-year-old Alba Jenisse Aviles. Same MO, different year. But don't worry, ladies, these guys are on the case!

We can't tell you what DNA we found, it's a secret! But trust us, we found DNA.

Christopher "Columbo" Anderson, Super Detective

Another Dead Woman, Who Cares?

Aviles was found dead in her car in 2018. Same deal, raped and strangled. But hey, at least these detectives are on it now! They don't think the victims knew each other, which is a relief, I guess?

How To Make The Cops Look Less Dumb:

If you have any info on these murders, call the clowns I mean cops at APD. They need all the help they can get!

• Phone: 512-974-TIPS
• Anonymous Tips: austincrimestoppers.org or 512-472-8477

The end. Stay classy, Texas.