Cops ID Two Tossers Wasted in June's Southeast Austin Cap-Fest

Two Idiots Bite the Dust in Southeast Austin Shootout, Women and Children Rejoice

Austin, TX – Police have finally identified two morons who caught a few too many bullets in a pleasant Southeast Austin neighborhood in June.

On that fateful summer night, residents were treated to a lovely sounds of gunfire and screaming at 2317 South Pleasant Valley Road. Officers rocked up to the scene and found three absolute geniuses who had played a little too recklessly with some firearms. One moron, a soon-to-be corpse named Ricardo Martinez (39), was already room temperature when the cops showed up. Another bright individual, Aldo Edgar Romero-Milan (30), joined his buddy in the afterlife shortly after a trip to the hospital. A third idiot, who probably deserved better friends, clung to life but was stable, much to the dismay of natural selection.

"Oh no, what a tragedy! We are totally shocked and appalled by this senseless act of violence," said absolutely no one who knew these geniuses.

As of now, no arrests have been made, but the police are asking anyone with a functioning brain who might have information on this hilarious chain of events to come forward. Though, let's be honest, anyone who hangs around these two dipsticks probably isn't worth their salt.

There's even a reward of up to $1,000 for any snitches out there. So, if you know who capped these chuckleheads, step up and earn yourself a little beer money!

austincrimestoppers.org

Remember, kids: don't play with guns, and always make sure mommy locks them up tight when she's done cleaning them for daddy!