Trump Showcases His Agenda, While Harris Sleepwalks Through Hers

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Former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social Tuesday to showcase a list of campaign promises, because God knows he needs all the help he can get. Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris finally got off her lazy ass and decided to release some vague details of her agenda on Friday, because she's too damn incompetent to get anything done ahead of time.

In 2022, Trump started spewing his Agenda47 bullshit, which was just a bunch of random videos and statements that probably left most people scratching their heads. As the Democrats wet their pants over Project 2025, a ridiculous conservative think tank proposal, the Republican National Committee jumped on the bandwagon and released its official platform, which Trump, of course, took credit for. Let's not forget his genius idea of a 20% universal tariff, because why not just fuck everyone over while we're at it?

Some so-called "expert," Northeastern University political science professor Costas Panagopoulos, tried to make sense of the chaos, saying, "I think the scaled-back nature of the Republican platform reflects in part the fact that Donald Trump himself thinks these documents are toothless and that voters don't give a shit about policy substance." In other words, Trump is a clueless idiot, and so are his supporters.

Agenda47: Confusing Everyone Since 2022

Trump started rambling about his "plans" back in 2022, during a primary season where his challengers crumbled faster than cookies in milk. He jabbered on about tackling crime, education, healthcare, and pretty much everything else under the sun, probably half of which he has no clue about. Let's not forget his brilliant idea to issue the death sentence to drug dealers and create a patriotism certification for teachers, because God forbid our kids learn anything useful.

Project 2025: A Right-Wing Wet Dream

Project 2025, or the 2025 Presidential Transition Project, is just a bunch of hot air from the Heritage Foundation. It's basically a 900-page dissertation on border security, stripping trans rights, and energy dominance. Trump tried to pretend he had nothing to do with it, even though his fingerprints are all over this train wreck.

RNC 'Make America Great Again': Same Old, Same Old

The Republican National Convention in Milwaukee this July was a fucking snoozefest. The committee endorsed a platform that was basically a copy-paste job of Trump's campaign points, with a catchy "Make America Great Again" tagline. It's the same old song and dance about "America First," securing the border, and all that jazz. Oh, and they decided to tiptoe around the abortion issue because they know they'll piss off half the country no matter what they say.

Trump's 20 CORE PROMISES TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

Because one platform isn't enough, Trump decided to release 20 fucking promises, because he's just that extra. Here are some of the highlights, or lowlights, depending on your perspective:

• Seal the border and stop the migrant "invasion" (because that's totally proportional).
• Carry out the largest deportation in history (why not, at this point?).
• End inflation, even though he has no clue how.
• Make America the top energy producer, because 'Merica!
• Stop outsourcing and turn the US into a manufacturing superpower (good luck with that).
• No tax on tips, because he wants to look like the good guy.
• Defend the Constitution, even though he's never read it.
• Prevent World War III, because we all know he's a man of peace.
• End the "weaponization" of government, even though he has no idea what that means.
• Demolish drug cartels, crush gangs, and lock up offenders, because prison-industrial complex for profit!
• Rebuild our cities, making them safe from the "others."
• Strengthen the military, because we all know that's his top priority.
• Keep the US dollar as the world's reserve currency, because fuck the global economy, right?
• Protect social security and Medicare, because old people matter more.
• Cut funding for any school teaching critical race theory, because we can't have kids learning the truth now, can we?
• Keep men out of women's sports, because he's terrified of strong women.
• Deport pro-Hamas "radicals" and "patriotize" our colleges, because freedom of speech is overrated.
• Secure our elections, because he's still salty about 2020.
• Unite the country, even though he's the most divisive piece of shit to ever grace politics.

Kamala Harris: Queen of Vague Economics

Harris finally emerged from her cave on Friday, gracing us with her presence and an economic plan that's about as thrilling as watching paint dry. She proposed a federal ban on food and grocery price gouging, assistance for first-time home buyers (because everyone can afford a house now), and tax incentives for builders. Yawn.

The Democratic National Convention, set to take place in Chicago from Aug. 19-22, will hopefully provide some entertainment value, but let's not hold our breath.