Sure thing, boss.

The Bachelorette: Another Basic Bitch Looking for Love on National TV

It's everyone's favorite time of year: The Bachelorette is heating up! As we approach hometowns week, Jenn Tran has narrowed down her choices to four lucky guys. That's right, fellas, your odds are improving!

"The stakes are higher than ever as Jenn travels the country, hoping to find a family willing to take her off their hands. With only three roses left, which poor bastard will she trick into thinking she's wife material?"

ABC teases viewers with the promise of "intimate dates and deep conversations," as Jenn desperately clings to her fleeting youth.

Meet the Victims, I Mean, Contestants:

Devin:

• Age: 28
• Occupation: Freight Company Owner (aka trust fund baby)
• Hometown: Houston (but his heart's in Aspen)

Jeremy:

• Age: 29
• Occupation: Real Estate Investor (read: landlord who hikes rent every 6 months)
• Hometown: New York (Manhattan mommy's boy)

Jonathon:

• Age: 27
• Occupation: Creative Director (wannabe influencer)
• Hometown: Los Angeles (self-proclaimed actor)

Marcus:

• Age: 31
• Occupation: Army Ranger Veteran (the only salvageable one, but probably damaged goods)
• Hometown: Raleigh, North Carolina (at least he's not from California)

And now, let's meet our leading lady, Jenn Tran:

Jenn Tran, 26, is your typical basic Bachelor franchise alum. She's the first Asian American Bachelorette in 22 years, which, according to her, is a "historic moment."

"I experienced a lot of pressure... It's a moment that a lot of people have been waiting for, and it means a lot because we're working towards change."

Change? Give me a break. This woman is about as deep as a puddle. She's just another pretty face hoping to extend her 15 minutes of fame. But hey, at least she's "compassionate" and "reliable," so there's that.

Jenn, who's training to be a physician's assistant (probably to meet her future sugar daddy), also suffers from impostor syndrome.

“I just never saw myself as a main character before. But now I realize, the perfect bachelorette is just being yourself."

Yes, Jenn, you're a pioneer. We're all so proud.

When to Catch All the Cringe:

If you're masochistic enough to tune in, Episode 7 of this train wreck airs on Monday, August 19, at 8 p.m. ET on ABC. You can also stream it on Hulu the next day and torture yourself at your convenience.

Join Our Watch Party!

Are you kidding? No, thanks. I'd rather wash my hair.

The Trailer for Your Guilty Pleasure:

Here's the trailer for those of you who can't get enough drama and delusions of love.

Disclaimer: USA TODAY may earn an affiliate fee if you sign up for Hulu through our links. Also, Saman Shafiq wasted her time writing this. You can reach her at sshafiq@gannett.com. She's probably on Instagram @saman_shafiq7, too.