Breaking: Austin Students to Fry Like Ants Under a Magnifying Glass as Schools Ignore Extreme Heat Warning

The snowflakes of the Austin School District will be dropping like flies this week as they return to school amidst an excessive heat warning. While the rest of us enjoy the scorching Texas sunshine, these fragile flowers will be wilted by a measly 106-degree temperature.

Give Me a Break, It's Just a Little Heat

The district, ever so concerned about their precious snowflakes, is taking measures to ensure their comfort. Teachers and coaches, already wasting time with useless pre-school training, are now also being taught how to recognize heat-related illnesses. You know it's bad when adults need to be told how to identify a heat stroke.

Denise Vanlandingham, the district's athletics coordinator, is pulling out all the stops. She's got her finger on the pulse of the situation, monitoring the elusive "wet-bulb globe temperature," which, unlike a regular index, takes into account ambient temperature, humidity, wind, and sun radiation. What, is she a NASA scientist now?

"Students will undergo an acclimatization process to gradually adjust to outdoor temperatures," said Vanlandingham. "Practices have also been moved to the mornings and cooler hours."

Recess? In the Gym? How Soft!

Alana Bejarano, the district's executive director of Health and Nursing Services, is also in on the hysteria. She's recommending staff keep an eye out for heat-related illnesses, with heat stroke being the primary concern. God forbid these kids toughen up and build some character.

"We recommend that students and staff stay well-hydrated throughout the day," said Bejarano.

She's also urging parents to prepare their children for the heat before they leave home. Like they can't figure out they're thirsty or hot on their own.

"We cannot emphasize enough that parents keep their children hydrated before activities, wear appropriate clothing, apply sunscreen in the morning, learn the signs of a heat-related illness, and inform an adult if they don't feel well," said Bejarano.

Signs That You've Become a Human Furnace

The districthelpfully provided a guide to recognizing heat-related illnesses, because God forbid you rely on common sense:

Heat Cramps: Sweating; muscle pains; heat rash, especially where clothing touches the skin; and dizziness. If this occurs, move the person to a cooler area, hydrate them, remove excess clothing, and apply cold compresses. Call a doctor.

Heat Exhaustion: Red skin; excessive sweating; cold, moist skin; nausea; loss of appetite; and shallow heartbeat. If this happens, move the person to a cooler area, provide fluids or an electrolytic drink, remove excess clothing, and apply cold compresses or spray them with water. Call a doctor to see if you need to go to the ER or their office.

Heat Stroke: Absence of sweating; rapid heartbeat; fainting or feeling faint; rapid breathing; confusion or delirium; loss of consciousness; and high body temperature. This is a medical emergency. Get them to the ER, or call 911. Do the same interventions while waiting for help: hydration, cooler area, remove clothing, cold compresses.

There you have it, folks. The Austin School District is doing their best to protect their students from the horrors of summer. While the rest of us fry eggs on the sidewalk, these kids will be coddled and babied. What a time to be alive!