Texans, Your Ticket to Riches: Here Are the Lottery Results for Aug. 17

Texas Lottery players, your ship has come in! Well, for most of you, a rowboat of despair and shattered dreams. But hey, at least you tried, right?

Powerball:

The lucky numbers are 12-31-43-45-46, Powerball: 22, Power Play: 5. Link to payouts and drawings in case you want to weep over your inevitable losses.

Lotto Texas:

Will your life ever amount to anything? Probably not, but here are the numbers: 04-07-26-33-43-49. Link to Lotto Texas for the masochists who want to confirm their bad luck.

Pick 3:

Wake up: 7-1-1, FIREBALL: 3.

During the day: 6-3-5, FIREBALL: 8 (for all you suckers still chasing that midday dream).

Evening: 0-6-3, FIREBALL: 1 (because even your evenings are lackluster).

Night: 7-0-1, FIREBALL: 2 (you need a fireball to salvage this boring life).

Link to Pick 3 for the gluttonous masochists who crave more disappointment.

Pick 4:

Rise and shine: 7-4-7-8, FIREBALL: 9 (that extra digit won't save you from your mundane life).

Day: 4-1-6-8, FIREBALL: 4 (your day is as dull as this combination).

Evening: 1-1-1-5, FIREBALL: 8 (one of these days, your luck will turn...just not today).

Night: 7-2-1-9, FIREBALL: 9 (you're one digit away from a perfect night...just like your love life).

Pick 4 for the hopeless romantics who enjoy re-living their failures.

All or Nothing:

AM: 01-03-04-06-07-09-10-18-19-21-22-23 (nothing sums up your life better than these midday numbers).

Day: 03-05-06-09-10-11-12-13-17-18-19-23 (you thought your day couldn't get any worse...).

Evening: 04-06-08-10-12-13-14-16-19-22-23-24 (and then these numbers happened).

Night: 01-02-03-07-08-10-11-14-16-18-19-21 (end your day the way it started: with nothing).

All or Nothing because that's what your chances are.

Cash Five:

13-17-19-29-33, because why stop at four when you can have five whole dollars to spend on something useless. Cash Five because you might as well embrace your fate.

Feeling lucky? Explore the latest in delusions.

Sponsored by Jackpocket, because even the digital lottery world needs to prey on your desperation.

Where to Buy Your One-Way Ticket to Nowhere:

Gas stations, convenience stores, grocery stores, and even some airport terminals are happy to sell you false hope. Or, if you're too lazy to get off your couch, you can order your ticket to mediocrity online through Jackpocket.

Disclaimer: Jackpocket probably doesn't care about your gambling problem, and we certainly don't. But here are somenumbers to call if you want to pretend someone cares: 1-800-GAMBLER, 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Making an appearance in the real world has its perks: Physically haunt places Jackpocket operates. We must also inform you that Jackpocket is "not affiliated with any State Lottery," because they matter enough to be affiliated). Eligibility Restrictions apply (because not everyone is eligible to be a loser), and this is all Void where prohibited (sorry, kids, looks like Mom and Dad win the lottery of keeping their money). Terms: jackpocket.com/tos because even your disappointment comes with terms and conditions.

This results page was automatically generated because even the Statesman editor couldn't be bothered to care. If you're feeling chatty, you can provide feedback. We won't read it.