Old White Men Debate, No One Cares

Trump and Harris to Have First Debate in Philadelphia

PHILADELPHIA — In a stunning display of nobody giving a sh*t, the first presidential debate between former President Donald Trump and current Vice President Kamala Harris will take place on September 10th in Philadelphia.

Assuming Donald Trump actually shows up... - Harris-Walz Campaign

The Harris-Walz campaign, in a pathetic attempt at relevance, issued a statement that Trump's campaign had accepted their proposal for three debates. Whoopity-doo.

Trump's campaign counter-proposed dates in September, but who cares about the details. It's not like anyone is going to watch anyway.

The Details (For the Masochists)

When:

Sept 10. Set your clocks for nap time.

Where to

Not-Watch:
On ABC, of course. Because nothing says "excitement" like network TV. Stream it on ABC News Live, Disney+, or Hulu if you want to feel like you're in a nursing home.

Who are

the Unlucky Moderators:
David Muir and Linsey Davis. Truly a dream team of journalistic mediocrity.

Pre-Debate

Special:
because one boring event deserves another. Starting at 8 pm ET, Martha Raddatz, Jonathan Karl, Mary Bruce, and Rachel Scott will try their best to put you to sleep. You're welcome.

Qualification

Requirements:

• Be a human (sorry, furries)
• Have filed to run for president (or whatever)
• Be on enough state ballots to win (aka, don't be a loser)
• Follow the rules ( Unlike Trump, am I right?)
• Have at least 15% support in four national polls. Birds of a feather flock together, so good luck finding four polls that have you at 15%, Kamala.

This article was written by Gabe Hauari, a lonely millennial who wishes he had a bird.