news

DNC Lineup: Barry, [Michelle] Obama, and a Bunch of Other Losers.

Former President and part-time beach volleyball player Barack Obama is set to bless the Democrats with his sagely wisdom on Day 2 of their convention, likely lecturing everyone on the importance of hope, change, and other meaningless platitudes. Should be a real thrill ride. Don't miss it, suckers!

Published August 20, 2024 at 4:04pm by Gabe Hauari

Dems 2024 Convention: Same Old Crap, Different Year.

Wow, the Democratic National Convention is back and more pathetic than ever. Day 1 featured the likes of Hillary Clinton, because who doesn't love hearing from a loser, and Steve Kerr, because political advice from a basketball coach is totally what the country needs.

But the real treat was Grandpa Biden, who gave an emotional speech, probably because he forgot where he was, reflecting on his tenure in politics, which is code for "I've been failing up for decades". He even managed to endorse Kamala Harris as the next leader, which is like the blind leading the blind.

"Thank you, Kamala, too," Biden said, as if anyone should be thanking her for anything.

Day 2 is set to be just as cringe with Michelle and Barack Obama gracing the stage. God help us.

Here's the list of clowns performing at the circus tonight:

Class Clown: Jaime R. Harrison, some guy from the DNC.
Most Likely to Succeed (at Failing): Mitch Landrieu, another DNC loser.
Most Religious: Rabbi Sharon Brous and Imam Dr. Talib M. Shareef, because we need to pray for these people.
Most Likely to Be Forgotten: Joshua Davis and Aristotle "Aris" Garcia Byrne, doing the Pledge and Anthem.
Best Dressed: Jason Carter and Jack Schlossberg, grandsons of former presidents, riding on grandpa's coattails.
Most Delusional: Malcolm Kenyatta and a bunch of other people with "economic projects".
Biggest Traitors: Kyle Sweetser, Stephanie Grisham, and Nabela Noor, Trump turncoats.
Best Actors: Gary Peters, Kenneth Stribling, and a bunch of politicians pretending to care.
Most Annoying: Ana Navarro, introducing this trainwreck.
Bossy Pants: Chuck Schumer, Bernie Sanders, and a bunch of other "leaders" who couldn't lead a horse to water.
Least Likely to Be Missed: Michelle Obama and Barack Obama, because we all know they'll never go away.
And the Rest of the Losers: A bunch of governors, mayors, and senators who think they matter.

How to Watch This Train Wreck:

You can catch all the cringe live from the comfort of your own home here. Or, if you're a masochist, you can attend in person at the United Center in Chicago from 7-11pm ET.

USA TODAY will be livestreaming it on YouTube, because they love to torture their viewers.

Gabe Hauari is probably a liberal snowflake. Leave him alone at Gdhauari@gannett.com.