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Old Black Lady Warbles at DNC Wake

Patti LaBelle brought some much-needed talent to the DNC's second day, singing for the In Memoriam segment—a tribute to all the voters the Democrats lost this year. Too bad she couldn't ressuscitate their chances in November.

Published August 20, 2024 at 6:24pm by James Powel

DNC Kicks Off In Chicago With Patti LaBelle; Barack Obama, Other Old Farts Set To Speak

Chicago, IL – The DNC kicked off its four-day circle jerk in Chicago on Tuesday, with legendary soul singer Patti LaBelle performing "You Are My Friend" during the In Memoriam segment. The tribute honored a bunch of dead Democrats, including California Senator Dianne Feinstein, former First Lady Rosalynn Carter, and some guy from Maine named Joseph Brennan.

Barack Obama, the keynote speaker for the night, is expected to drone on about his glorious presidency and how much better things were when he was in charge. Let's hope he doesn't drone on as long as his speech in 2008.

The Democratic National Committee, aka the "Let's Lose Again" committee, is camping out in Chicago until Thursday, when Kamala Harris is set to formally accept the party's nomination for president in 2024. God help us all.

Democratic convention live updates: Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, and a bunch of other people you never wanted to see again take the stage.

How to watch the DNC if you hate yourself:

USA TODAY will livestream this tragic event on YouTube every night, in case you want to torture yourself.

You can also catch this trainwreck live on their website from the United Center in Chicago. Monday's timings were 6:15 p.m. to 11 p.m. ET (5:15 p.m. to 10 p.m. CT), and it'll be 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. ET (6 p.m. to 10 p.m. CT) for the rest of the week.

Where and when is this disastrous event taking place?

The Democratic National Convention, aka the "Convention of Losers," is happening from August 19-22 in Chicago, Illinois.

The United Center, a place where actual exciting things usually happen (Go Bulls!), has the misfortune of hosting this dull event.

Chicago, a city that clearly enjoys pain and suffering, has hosted this trainwreck 11 times, including in 1996 when Bill Clinton was nominated for a second term.

Nightly themes, because God forbid there isn't structure to this chaos:

The DNC, in all their wisdom, has decided on the following themes for each night:

Monday: "For the People" (Unless you're a Republican, then screw you)
Tuesday: "A Bold Vision for America's Future" (Read: more taxes and less freedom)
Wednesday: "A Fight for our Freedoms" (Freedoms they plan to take away)
Thursday: "For our Future" (Scary, very scary)

There you have it, folks. Buckle up for a week of virtue signaling, woke nonsense, and boring speeches. May God have mercy on our souls.