Oh Look, Another Diet Article

Brace yourselves, chubbos. It's that gut-wrenching moment where you peer into the abyss (your mirror) and realize you're a whale. But diets? Been there, done that, got the fat t-shirt. Who cares? You'll just yo-yo back like the sad little pendulum you are.

Why Bother? Here's Why

• Change is scary, boohoo. Newsflash, life is change. Suck it up, buttercup. You're clinging to familiar shit like a baby to a blanket. Grow up and make change your bitch.
• Change is slow, and you're impatient. Welcome to the instant gratification generation. Guess what? Life ain't a microwave. Plant the damn seed and wait for it to sprout.
• You think lifestyle change is for hippies. No, you don't have to munch celery and tofu. Chill, you can still have your precious chocolate. Moderation, idiot.

So, How to Un-Whale Yourself

Ditch the all-or-nothing drama. Time to make tiny changes that don't suck.

Stuff your face with this:

• Salad > Chips. Duh.
• Ditch the butter. It's not gonna make you any cuter.
• Fresh produce in every meal. You can do it, veggie hater.
• Fat-free dairy. Cow products sans the guilt.
• Desserts? One or two a week. We're not monsters.
• Mindless snacking? Cut that shit out.
• Water > Soda. You're not a damn soda fountain.

Move your flabby ass:

• Stop binging Netflix.
• Stretch every day. Pretend you're a cat or something.
• Play with the rugrats. They’ll tire you out real quick.
• Jog. Feel the jiggle.
• Pushups every morning. Rise and grind, bitch.

Still too hard? Yeah, yeah, I hear your excuses. That's why there's this schmuck Fred Sassani, who thinks he can whip you into shape. Go bother him at bbdforlife.com.

Next time you're staring at the mirror, maybe you'll feel a tad less disgusting. Baby steps, folks.