Oh great, another fucking Shaq-sized crapshack in Texas. Assholes can now gobble up mediocrity in Fort Worth.

Big Whoop: Shaq's Chicken Shack Invades North Texas

Oh joy, another celebrity-owned fast food joint. because what we really need is Shaq's take on poultry. Brace yourselves, Fort Worth.

Shaq Attack: Big Chicken Descends on Fort Worth

The Big Aristotle thinks he's gonna have a huge first week. Check this, the first 34 suckers – because that's his sacred Lakers number – will get a year's worth of free grub and drinks. Limit's $10 a week, because Shaq's not that generous. Menu sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen: The Ultimate, a mac and cheese and fried onion sandwich. Might as well just call it The Artery Clogger.

When's This Madness Begin?

Mark your calendars, folks. Sept. 3 is when Big Chicken opens its doors and starts dishing out the grease.

Where to Find the Big Chicken Monstrosity

Just head to 9755 N. Freeway, Fort Worth, TX. Can't miss it.

Are There Other Big Chicken Abominations in Texas?

You betcha! According to their site, they've got spots in Austin, Houston, Richmond, and even Lubbock. Fort Worth, you're not special.

Shaq's Texas Ties. Who Cares?

Apparently, Shaq played high school basketball in San Antonio. Weren't expecting that, huh? He dragged Cole High School to a championship back in '89. Good for him. Doesn't mean his chicken sandwiches won't give you indigestion.

He led Cole to a 32-0 record in 1988, then lost. Typical. His senior year, he averaged 30 points, 22 rebounds, and 9 assists. Blah blah blah, read more here if you're into that sappy nostalgia crap.