Mom's Basement Report: DNC Circus Winds Down

Buckle up, basement dwellers! The Dems' little shindig, the DNC, is gasping its final breaths tonight. Old Joe Biden, at a ripe 81, finally realized he's too ancient to run and passed the rotten baton to Kamala "Cackles" Harris. Minnesota's very own Gov. Tim "Who?" Walz is her sorry sidekick.

Thanks to Joe's endorsement, the polls have shifted—like anyone cares. Now, all the broads and zoomers are fangirling over Harris, pushing her slightly above the Cheeto-in-Chief, Trump. Yawn.

Who's Yapping Tonight?

Brace yourself for a lineup so thrilling, it'll make you want to gouge your eyes out:

• Kamala Harris—She'll finally accept her nomination. Thrilling.
• Deb " Land Grab" Haaland
• Marcia "I Need a Nap" Fudge
• Sen. Alex "Who Dat?" Padilla
• Sen. Bob "Pennsyltucky" Casey
• Sen. Tammy "Cheesehead" Baldwin
• Sen. Elizabeth "Pocahontas" Warren
• Sen. Mark "Space Cadet" Kelly
• Former Rep. Gabby "Gun Grabber" Giffords
• Former Rep. Adam "RINO" Kinzinger
• Gov. Maura "Taxachusetts" Healey
• Gov. Gretchen "Lockdown Queen" Whitmer
• Gov. Roy "Bathroom Police" Cooper

When Does This Snoozefest Start?

The clown show starts at 5:30 p.m.—don't forget to set your alarms!

Watch the Dumpster Fire Live: 2024 DNC Day 4

Grab your popcorn, folks. It's gonna be a long, painful night.